Flirtatious Friday: Not Tonight, Honey

“Not tonight honey.”

“I have a headache.”

“I’m just too tired.”

“Really?!?! I mean really?!?!?! You want to do what? Right now?! I just got the baby/kids down! I’ve been working all day. I’ve been cleaning ALL day! I. Am. Exhausted!”

<Say nothing, but put on full pajamas and get in bed and under covers quick. Turn away and make it obvious! If he tries ANYTHING, move further away.>

Has this ever been you? No! Not me either ;-).

Hmmm… that’s not true. Confession. One that I am not proud of! This used to be me sometimes.

I don’t remember much before Conner was born, haha, but after he was born I had much more on my mind, and guess what?! It. Wasn’t. Sex. Shocker… I know! But, that should be a sad shocker.

As a woman, I believe this is an easier trap for us to fall into. We are not wired like our husbands are wired. We do not think like them. Oftentimes, I think we fall into the victim mindset. I am tired. I am worn out. I have been busy. I didn’t get any sleep. I take care of the kids more than he does. I don’t get a break. And now HE wants sex?!?! Is he kidding?!?! Poor us right?

Several years ago, I worked with a man who was married but they did not always get along. He was upset by many of her choices and contemplated divorce often. He also had no problem pointing out attractive women. I would NEVER use him or his marriage as a standard for how marriage should look, but I remember one conversation we had very clearly.

I don’t remember how the conversation got started, but he made a comment that his wife NEVER turns him down.

What?! Really?! There are wives who NEVER turn their husbands down?!

I mean, I tried not to do it every time, but let’s be honest, I was TIRED. I would dread going to bed sometimes knowing he would probably want to have sex. Isn’t that terrible?

Maybe you are not like that and you have sex all the time ;-). Good for you! I am glad!!!

I am being honest for the women who are like how I used to be until God got a hold of me. He reminded me this was a GIFT from Him to us. To our marriage.

A GIFT?!?! Sometimes it felt more like a chore than a gift. WOW! Too honest???

And honestly, when I did decide, “Ok fine. I will do it.” I did enjoy it and think how we should really do this more.

There is no closer connection you can have with someone. It is such a deep (no pun intended… ok maybe a little haha) connection that cannot be replaced.

What does the Bible say about sex?

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have the authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7: 3-6

“Do not deprive each other.” WOW! And what was I doing?

My husband LOVES me! He works hard for this family and I recognize how much he does for us. He needs me to want him. He NEEDS me to allow him to have me. It is one of his best ways to show his love for me. And he saves it for me ONLY!

“Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

We live in a world FULL of sin. Full of pornography and addictions. Full of women who want our incredible men. Believe it or not, even if he drives you crazy, there may be some woman eyeing him.

If you deny him, does that give him the right to fall into porn or have sex with another woman? NO WAY!… BUT it will be easier to fight those temptations if he is fulfilled at home. It’s the truth.

I cannot remember when I first made the choice to never almost never turn him down, because it has been so long ago now, but it has made a big difference in our relationship! He is happy. I am happy.

I almost never go to bed dreading or worrying about if he wants to have sex. Instead I go expecting it and preparing myself. I get my mind where it needs to be. Free of the thoughts of the day. Free of the to-do lists for tomorrow. And ready to accept his offer.

Another thing that helps is that I am honest with him. I let him know some things that help me stay focused, like music. So now, when I am brushing my teeth and I hear him turn on music, I just smile and I know, he is getting ready! Little things like this help him tell me he wants to have sex and allows me to get my mind prepared. I am a woman so that is my most difficult obstacle.

Tell your husband what he can do to signal to you in advance so it doesn’t catch you off guard. Although, those quickies are fun too!

So, I just want to encourage you, if you often dread going to bed, or prepare your excuse in advance, try setting a goal to not turn your husband down. Relax and enjoy it!

I am mainly (as always) writing to the women, but I guess this could go for men too.

Modeling Mondays: Series on Teaching Children to Live a Godly Life

As a new mom, I had a lot of worries for bringing children into this world. How could I be a good mom to them? I was clueless how to even raise a child for Christ, and honestly, still am quite often. Really… my children are 4 and 3… so I have much more to learn, but I have learned a lot in the last 4 years.

I want my children to grow up learning to love God and relying on the Holy Spirit. I want them to see an example they can live by. An example of parents who are living a Christ-like life. 

It is my job to teach and train my kids in the way they should go. My job to make sure they know how to live a godly life. What a godly life looks like. Why a godly life is important. Why we serve our God and love Him. What He has done for us and wants us to continue to do for them.

Living a Christian life isn’t always easy, but it comes with great reward.

I want my children to know about His sacrifice. To know His reward for us. To know what God did and why He did it when He sent Jesus. To know what Jesus did for us.

MY job.

Wow! What great responsibility God has given us as parents. He expects us to teach them what they need to know. Especially when they are too young to learn it themselves.

God is showing me these things each and every day. The Holy Spirit reminds me that they are learning from me. My choices. My words. My actions. Where my time and energy is spent. How I react to certain things.

I take the responsibility quite heavily. And I fail daily. Guess what?! We all do. We all fall short.

So should we give up? Give up on being patient with our children? Give up showing them love and compassion when they fail? Give up on teaching them even when we set a bad example sometimes?

Do we want God to give up on us? I DON’T!

I am learning to be new everyday. I have to pick up my cross everyday. I have to teach my children the same.

So join me if you’d like. As I seek out what God wants for me and my family. How I can best learn and then teach them.

Over the next several Mondays I am prayerfully exploring how God wants us to teach our children. I am praying about how I can MODEL to my children a godly life; as I have prayed just about everyday for at least the last 4 years.

These posts will include many things we have already been implementing in our home, and many ways we want to improve and grow.

Here is a list of topics we will cover:

• 3 Ways to Teach Children to Pray

• Teaching Children to Memorize Scripture in 4 Easy Steps

• 4 Steps to Help Children Have Daily Devotions

• 3 Ways to Teach/Model Worshiping God

• Teaching Children to Love as Christ Loves Us

What do you think? Are you excited about this series? I look forward to you adding what has worked for you in these areas! 

2 Kids and Counting (Prayerfully)

I hate gas!

No joke. This was what I said to my husband last night laying in bed.

You know the kind. The kind that rumbles in your tummy but not like usual. The kind that feels like a baby moving around in your belly. Kicking and rolling. Playing around.

This stupid gas. Always gives me a slight shimmer of hope that maybe I’m pregnant and I’ve just been bleeding every month for fun.

My heart longs for that feeling again! I ache to feel the movement of a baby inside me again. Although, I will admit, I’ve told God I would be ok to be one of those moms who “didn’t know I was pregnant” and I suddenly had a baby.

I must insert here… My heart aches hard for my friends who have this same longing but cannot get pregnant and have never been pregnant. I cannot fully imagine the longing and hurt they have. I am blessed to have experienced this, and I know I should just be grateful for my two precious boys, but it still hurts. Let’s just say it like it is… This sucks! For both of us.

Shortly after James and I got married, we decided we no longer agreed with the way many (most really) birth control methods worked, and we did not like the side effects I was having. We started natural family planning. We’ve always known we wanted a large family. Six. Or more 😉 if God so chooses. After Conner was born we kind of went back on natural family planning, always knowing we would be ecstatic any and every time we got pregnant. Planned or not. Bring on the babies God.

Elias was pretty well planned. Well of course except his arrival ;-)!

And then the miscarriages started.

My sweet Hope.

And Jonah.

And then Shiloh.

And precious Grace.

My prayer…

God we give all our children to You! You know our hearts desires. May they line up with Your will.

It is hard to understand why. James and I want children; Your blessings! We try not to take this area in our own hands, while so many others cry in anger at being pregnant.

God continue to strengthen and renew us daily. Continue to give us the peace only You can. Thank You for being a big God who can take my anger. Who can handle my fears. Who can calm my storms. And thank You for Your promises. Thank You for all SIX of my children. And thank You for all future children we will be blessed with. May we continue to do Your work. And continue to spread Your Word. Use us in anyway You can. Even in our heartaches. Thank You God for loving us and taking care of us. We love You. Amen.

SUCCESS! Our Children Stayed The Entire Sunday Service

 

Have you read Touch Topic: Seeing Children as a Blessing, Even in Sunday Service and Touchy Topic: Training Children in Worship?

 

Last Sunday was our third Sunday bringing the boys in service. I was a little nervous we would be “starting over,” since we had missed service the week before due to illness.

 

After Sunday School, I went to get the boys from their classes. Conner ran ahead as I got Elias. When I made it into the sanctuary, Conner was already at our seats waiting on the sill of the frosted windows. I was relieved he remembered and seemed excited! Elias joined him happily!

 

As we had the week before, they were not allowed into their backpacks during praise and worship. They did great! In our arms, in the chairs, in my purse, dancing, clapping, on the bench. At one point I caught Elias dancing in front of me with his hand in the air like someone he was watching! LOVED it! Tried to catch a picture but he moved on too quick.

 

I did have to walk out with Elias twice. Once during praise and worship, and the other during announcements or service… I can’t remember. We walked out and I told him he could not yell out when we were supposed to be sitting quietly. I wanted to make it clear it was not just because we are in a church service because I want this to carry over for weddings, funerals, graduations, and other quiet events we may attend.

 

Once praise and worship ends, James and I usually rush to pass out our attendance notebooks during announcements. James was going to stay with the boys while I did it this week, but Conner wanted to come. I thought, “Well of course!” Serving together in our church is such a blessing, and I desperately want my children to learn to serve in the ministry and not resent it for taking their parents away.

 

So Conner and I went over to get the notebooks. I carried them for him to give to the first person in each row. He was a bit abrupt hitting their arm with it, but almost everyone had a wonderful smile when they turned to see a sweet THREE year old serving in his church!

 

I can just imagine… how different would our church look if everyone was teaching their children, at a young age, to start serving and worshiping together. Ahhhh 🙂

 

CALM DOWN… I am NOT condemning you for not bring your children in service, just a sweet thought of what could be if we all did…

 

After we sat down to listen to announcements, Ne (knee as the boys call her), came to join us for the service. Ne, aka Tina, is like a second mom to both James and I. She loves our kids as her own grand kids! AND, she is conveniently a HUGE supporter of bringing the boys in service. James has to leave us a lot during service, so I sat on one end and Ne set on the opposite side. Elias was in her lap much of the service. He was (mostly) quiet and Conner did well in his own seat, until about 10-15 minutes before service was over. Conner began to beg to go to the nursery.

 

We are soooo close! I am not going to take them to nursery now! We are almost through service! We CAN do this!

 

How about a snack? Good thinking! Too bad I forgot to bring some. Fortunately, I know that the nursery always has snacks for the kids.

 

I told Conner I would get him a snack. He began to loudly get angry and demand to go to the nursery. Well, surely we all know by now, he was certainly NOT going to the nursery now. Then he would know all he had to do was get loud and angry. I whispered in his ear that he was staying in service with or without a snack, and if he would like a snack then he needed to stop throwing a fit. It worked! Whew!

 

Ran to the nursery and brought the snacks in. WOO HOO! They were both happy and sat the remaining time during service, even after finishing their snack.

 

So, to sum up. How did it all go down? Praise and worship – offered nothing to distract them and conveniently a louder time so they don’t have to be completely hush-hush, meet and greet – Conner asks to go see his Wednesday night teacher, so we let them go say hello to people, announcements – began getting the backpacks out and let Conner serve with me, service – backpacks and snacks!

 

We made it through to the very end!!! I was ecstatic! Loving this and feeling so much closer to my kids and God in the process!

 

Did you decide to transition your kids into service after they were in children’s church? If so, share what worked for you? Are you thinking about? What’s holding you back?

 

Grace’s Birth Story: WARNING a Miscarriage

WARNING: This was difficult to live through and it may be hard to read. Proceed with caution.

Saturday night, May 25th, is when the blood started to appear. Just as it has every other time.

As always, I freak out. Pray. Calm down. This is normal. I am sure there is a simple explanation. Pray. OH MY GOSH! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Pray. No it’s not. Trust God. Lots of people bleed during their pregnancy and have babies. Pray. I’m losing another one.

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER AGAIN!!!

My mind won’t stop wandering.

I call the emergency line to my office. They call back quickly. She is kind. Says there a number of reasons I could be bleeding and it can be normal. She bled during all her pregnancies so she understands the paranoia. She has never had a miscarriage. Told me to watch it and what to go to the hospital for. I went to bed.

As I lay in bed, I can tell. This is really happening again.

Sunday morning, slight contractions began. It wasn’t nearly as extreme as it was with Conner and Elias, but it was much more than I had ever noticed with Hope, Jonah, and Shiloh. Bleeding was getting heavier.

I couldn’t believe how real it felt. I am having a baby. Much too early.

As the day progressed, the contractions were a little stronger, as was the bleeding. Laying around, trying to relax, the pain became strong. I felt a sharp pain and got up off the couch. It was around 2 pm. I looked at my husband as I got off the couch. Pain. A lot of pain.

As I sat on the toilet, plop. Something large (well larger than I had experienced before during a pregnancy) fell out. I jumped up before I began to pee. Something, a lot of something, was down there.

I yelled for James to bring me a long spoon and a disposable cup. Grace would not be flushed.

As I scooped up what had fallen out, I saw what appeared to be tissue. I knew this could be tested. There was also a large blood clot I believe.

And then.

I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had never seen this before. There it was. The sac. So small. The size of a grape.

Here is my Grace. She had just delivered. Far too soon.

Things were a blur. I think I was shaking. No doubt in my mind, this was my baby. Things were foggy and I was in a bit of a shock so I couldn’t see anything inside, but this was her sac for sure.

I placed everything gently in the cup and walked out of the bathroom carrying her. This time in my hands. Walking out in a daze, I asked James what I should do with her. We put the cup in a zip-lock bag and put her in the fridge. We have never had to do this before so we were clueless.

Everything was so real. I was in a bit of peaceful awe. I felt this delivery. Just as clearly as my natural birth with Elias. Wow. How amazing, yet sad. Despite the terrible situation, feeling the contractions, the delivery, holding my baby. This birth was so real. Tragic. But real.

The pain lessened quite a bit, but slight contractions still continued. Blood clots fell often and were rather big. This seemed like much more blood than before, but I think this pregnancy made it much further than the rest. This continued through Sunday and Monday. Tuesday didn’t seem as bad, but still quite a bit of blood.

Contractions started again, slightly, following my appointment Tuesday. This seemed rather odd to me since nothing should be left, but I carried on.

Late Tuesday night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and again, plop. Looking down, I was horrified. It was much larger and clearly not a blood clot. At first glance, there appeared to be a head and body. How could this be? This was much larger than the sac I had the other day, and the baby should be in the sac.

I rushed to get another spoon and cup and pull it out. As I pulled it out, shock is the only way to describe it. Horrifying. I was reminded of pictures I had seen of abortions. You know the ones? Where it doesn’t even look like a baby. I was shaking. Trembling. It was late. I was tired. I was exhausted. It had been a LONG, TOUGH several days.

I called to James to come and look. His opinions mean a lot to me and I wanted to know what he thought. He had been asleep so he was really out of it. He went to bed as I took this downstairs to put in the fridge.

The entire walk was a daze. A blur. Shaking. Trembling. Scared of the unknown. This was new to me. What was it? How could this be my baby? It was much larger and was so disfigured. Nothing like a baby with distinct features.

It was as if I was doing something wrong. I am not sure why, but I just felt sick. As if I had performed an abortion, or caused the death somehow. (No need to comment about how this is not my fault etc. etc. I know this. This is just me expressing my thoughts at the time.)

I cried as I slowly made my way up the stairs, into the room. James was waiting for me in bed. He knew I would need him now more than ever. I bawled as I told him how I felt and thinking of all the precious babies lost to abortions. He mentioned the thought that it was probably the lining from my uterus. Of course. WOW! It was large. My thoughts wandered to, “What if this has been some of the problem in the past?” (The nurse confirmed this was the lining)

I am no expert, so please don’t criticize my thoughts. These are the thoughts of a simple girl. A mom who longs for more children.

As I laid in bed, my body felt done. Relaxed. At ease. Finally. No more contractions. No more pain. Everything was passing as it should.

Wednesday morning I passed the last of the bigger clots.

Pregnancy is coming to end.

Related articles

• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages
• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound (hisrib.wordpress.com)

Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound

Have you read I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages or Dropping Off Grace: Miscarriage Follow Up?

Leaving the appointment Tuesday, I made my way down the long hall. Music was playing. Reminded me of funeral music. Kind of appropriate I guess.

As I left the office Tuesday, they told me they would call tomorrow after my ultrasound to tell me the results of everything.

Fortunately, James had the day off but he stayed in the van with the boys. Coming out of the appointment all my boys were surprisingly in the lobby. They had to go potty. It was so nice to see them!

I carried on with my day after my appointment Wednesday, but I was waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.

It didn’t.

The nurse FINALLY called today with my results. HCG levels are now at 690 and progesterone at 10.4 (I was still on the pills). My sonogram pictures came back good… as in everything has come out and the lining looks good and thin. They did notice a lot of blood clots so she told me to expect a lot more and take it easy.

I’m exhausted. Understandably.

I feel drained, and I’m sure the fact that I am literally draining has a lot to do with it.

Most people won’t understand, but I do feel this is a good thing. Much more has come out now than ever before. This can be good if some of what is coming out has needed to come out for a while. Also, I believe this pregnancy made it further and better than the others, so I think we are making at least some good progress.

I am looking forward to our appointment in a few weeks and finding some answers.

God is with me. He is my strength, and my wonderful husband and two beautiful boys my medicine.

Related articles

• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages (hisrib.wordpress.com)

Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up

Day after a Holiday. Busy.

It took me forever to get an appointment in to see someone after my miscarriage. They were booked being the day after Memorial Day. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and called to tell me to come in a 2:45.

The day seemed to drag on F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

Wondering. Is there a twin? Could I still be pregnant? After each miscarriage, I always wonder, pray and hope for life still.

This time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I had miscarried. I will write her delivery story later (WARNING: this will be a tough post, but it was so real to me I felt I would share). I have lost my poor Grace. Conner and Elias just knew this was their baby sister.

I held her. Inside and out. I was so relieved to not flush her away. Maybe they can do some test and see if they can find out what is going on.

This appointment would be different. James was with me as we found out Hope was gone. My sweet friend Krystle, aka Bo, was with me just as I lost Jonah at my appointment.

Both are working today. Thankfully my step-mom, Laurie, could watch the boys.

I must go alone.

Alone.

Alone to find out what I knew to be true. My baby is gone.

As the day carried on, thoughts filled my head. The Holy Spirit calmed my heart and reminded me He is still with me. I am strong because He is my strength.

I cried and prayed the whole drive.

God, I don’t understand why you keep giving me these babies and then not allowing me to keep them. BUT I continue to trust in Your plan.

I would love to still have life in me. PLEASE! But I know Grace is gone. Take care of my sweet babies. I miss them all so much. My heart longs for more babies. More babies to teach and train to love You.

Teach and train me to be the mom You want me to be. Thank You for blessing me with my two boys, Conner and Elias. They bring me such joy. Thank You for these moments to remind me to not take for granted what I do have.

God, I don’t know what to pray for. Grace is gone. I can no longer pray to keep her. I want you to have control of my family and how many children I have, but my husband is worried. He doesn’t like seeing me go through this. And I cannot imagine how hard it is on him. I don’t want to control this situation. Help me. Help us. Let them find answers with simple solutions.

Hold my hand today. Carry me in. I don’t have the strength to walk the halls alone.

I arrived. Picked up sweet Grace and placed her gently in my bag. (Don’t worry. She was in a cup in a zip-lock bag. Not how I wanted to carry her.)

We walked through the halls again, as we did last week. I spoke to her again. This time through tears and heartbreak that this was our last walk together. After this point I would only carry her in my heart.

Deep breath. Prepare yourself. There will be a lot of pregnant women, or newborn babies.

Opened door and went straight to the desk to sign in. I must have had heartbreak all over my face. I asked to go to the bathroom, and I was so relieved when someone was waiting for me when I came out.

WHEW! No waiting room full of pregnant women and babies.

I tried to stay strong but broke down a lot. They spoke with me and tried to set up an ultrasound to see if everything was gone. Couldn’t do it today so I go in tomorrow at 1.

They took sweet Grace to test her. <kisses> I will love you no less.

They took more blood to test my levels and set me up to see an fertility specialist they work with.

WAIT. WHAT? INFERTILITY? How in the world? Did you know that if you have multiple miscarriages, even though you are clearly able to get pregnant, you are considered infertile? Wow. After two kids, I never thought this would be a label added to me.

No new answers. Guess I knew I wouldn’t know much today, other than everything was gone now, but I will know that tomorrow.

This is a tough road I am on. To find more answers.

I am encouraged by a wonderful friend, Betty Winford, CNM. She was my midwife with Conner. Back before I became high-risk. She mentioned a few things to test for, and many have some easy fixes.

So to those who think: Are you done trying for more now? Are you going to stop now? You need to have more time to heal. And the list goes ON and ON and ON… God is taking care of us. We are doing what we need to do and we are talking to the One who matters most.

Please join me as I search for answers. I will blog my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and I know there are people like me, searching for others who understand. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Will you join me? What is your story? Are you joining to understand because you have never experienced, or maybe you know someone who has? Are you joining because you too have gone through a loss? Share your heaven babies with us if you feel comfortable enough.

Related articles

• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

Written Sunday, May 26, 2013:

Yup. That’s me. The boy who cried wolf.

You know? The woman who keeps telling everyone she is pregnant. After three miscarriages, I wonder, should I tell anyone? Even my husband. But I think, I must get everyone praying for me and this baby immediately.

I was surprised so many I told looked at me with excitement. I feared telling people, knowing that many would think I was crazy. Many would wonder why I bothered telling anyone. Why wouldn’t I wait until I knew this baby would last? I HATE THAT!

This baby is MY BABY! I was excited for the day I would hold this baby. I couldn’t sit around moping and assuming it was not meant to be. When would God take this one too? I have to be excited for this baby. I owe it to him.

I struggled with this, but with a SUPER BOLD positive line, how could I not be hopeful? Even Conner’s pregnancy test was very faint. Hope, my first miscarriage, took forever to get a positive test. And even then, it was so faint. In addition to the very obvious positive test, I also had a lot of family and friends praying and believing.

My first miscarriage I wrote off as the “one” I knew I’d probably have. Then I lost Jonah. WHAT?!?! But how could I possibly have TWO miscarriages in a row?!?!

Then there was Shiloh. My dear sweet Shiloh. I haven’t even written about him. My heart was too broken. I had a very faint positive test that Wednesday, that my husband didn’t accept since it was so faint. Friday I made him get me one that said Pregnant or Not Pregnant and it was clear: PREGNANT!!!

We had some good friends coming over that night and I took the test as they were arriving. ALL but one person there was pregnant. THREE of my close friends all pregnant and at my house as I found out! Of course I was going to tell them in my excitement!!

There was NO WAY I would have three miscarriages in a row. All tests they had done after Jonah seemed to come back fine. It was just a fluke to have two in a row. I am not one of those women who has multiple miscarriages! I am the woman who is going to have lots of children!

That night, as we were playing games with our friends, it started. I could feel it. It was so early, and I was already losing him. I was in true shock and disbelief. My friends prayed with us and cried with us, and left so I could rest.

With each of these we cried and prayed and begged God to let us keep this one. Friends would encourage us with stories of how they bled during their pregnancy and still had a healthy baby. Stories of fasting and praying to God to let them keep this baby. I held on to those stories and my prayers in hope each of these babies would pull through, but then I still lost the baby.

After Shiloh, I knew once I did become pregnant I would need to find out quick because they wanted to start me on Progesterone immediately. This would be God’s answer to our prayers. The help my body needs.

Then, on May 10, 2013, it dawned on me, I think I should have started by now. I could feel the excitement stirring in me to be pregnant again! My heart longs for more babies. I took a test May 11, 2013 morning and there it was!! A BRIGHT BOLD line. IMMEDIATELY! I couldn’t believe how bold the line was and so quick. I have never had a test so obvious!

Immediately, I wanted close friends and family to know and PRAY! I felt such confidence that I would hold this baby in January 2014! Most were excited with me, but I could see in some faces, and even in their voices, they were not going to be too quick to be excited. I understood. I’ve cried wolf so much, why believe me? But I cannot live my life like this.

They started me on Progesterone and then I went in on Wednesday, May 22nd for blood work. This was 6 weeks for me. As I made the walk through the halls, the same halls I walked as I was losing Jonah, I smiled. I talked to my baby about how we would walk these halls many times together. This time would be different. My symptoms were already so strong.

Both Hope and Jonah were lost on 6 weeks and 1 day. I knew this day would be hard. I woke up around 3 am with an upset stomach and some spotting. I freaked out, bawled, and prayed. Begging God to let me keep this one.

The nurse called that day with my numbers. HCG 3614 and progesterone 14.6. They were good, but they wanted to check them again the next Tuesday. I calmed down and trusted in God’s ability.

Then last night happened. Saturday evening on the 25th. I had been spotting brown all day. This worried me because this was how it all started. Then came the red. Slowly, but started coming quicker. My heart broke into pieces. REALLY!?! AGAIN!!!

Now I sit here. In numbness. As I feel my body aching and “crying” out again. I can feel the ever so slight contractions. Nothing like full term labor. The pain of knowing no matter how hard I squeeze, I cannot stop what is happening. Praying. Crying. Begging. Reading God’s Word.

I will go in Tuesday to be checked and start talking about further tests. There is something going on here. I read only 1% of women have three or more miscarriages. Wow! When did I become that statistic?! I have two sons. I am blessed, but how in the world did they come, yet I cannot seem to have another?

Until then, my emotions will bounce. Despair. Heartache. Peace. Love. Hope. Hopelessness. Calmness. Anger. And the list goes on and on. I pray my baby is still there, but for now everything seems just as it has before. I have been here and here I am again.

Want to know What Should I Say?

Related articles

• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)

Flirtatious Friday: Bringing Sexy Back

OK FINE! My MOST POPULAR Flirtatious Fridays are back! These posts have always had the most viewers and the most comments, either on the posts or to me personally. Honestly, I was not intending to bring these posts back and here is why:

• I began working at our church… so this could cause question lol
• Our church gained new Pastors and I wasn’t sure what they would think haha
• And well… I guess I started shying away from intense topics such as these!

So, why did I decide to officially bring them back?

• Well, many of my readers have missed them 😉 and requested I bring them back
• Sex is ALL over the place, and why not talk about it in a Christian context and encourage married couples to ENJOY it! 

I remember one time, shortly after James and I got married, we went to lunch with another couple. The husband, right in front of his wife, talked about his theory that there is something in the wedding cake. He went on to explain that before marriage, women seemed excited and looking forward to the marriage bed and things to come, but then after the wedding day she seemed uninterested or motivated. 

Confession: I have been guilty of this. Guilty of being busy, tired, overwhelmed, etc. etc. etc. 

But still, this made me sad. Our husbands show their love best through sex. That may seem strange to us, but we were created differently. And aren’t we glad we were created differently?!?

I know I am! I want a man’s man! One who gets his hands dirty. Works hard for his family. Fixes things. And he NEEDS to show me he loves me! And I NEED to let him. 

So, FINE! I am bringing Flirtatious Friday back! But since you asked for it, you are going to get it. There. Will. Be. A. Challenge. It won’t be easy! 

Will you join me? What topics do you want to know more about? (you can also email responses privately to HisRibBlog@gmail.com)

Related articles

• Thankful Thursday: Our Marriage Retreat (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Flirtatious Friday: Let’s Talk About Sex (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Flirtatious Friday: Games (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Flirtatious Friday: The Quickie (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Flirtatious Friday: Toys (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Can marriage be defined without sex? (marriagegirls.wordpress.com)
• Sex-Loving Evangelicals: A Ploy to Fill the Pews? (alternet.org)

Thankful Thursday: A Caring Husband

Tuesday I woke up and could tell something was coming. I told James I needed to make sure and take my echinacea, garlic and vitamin c! I wish I would remember my spoon full of honey, but oh we’ll.

By that evening I was not doing well. I wasn’t thinking straight and I was aching. It was an early to bed night for me!

I woke up a couple of hours after going to bed and I was aching all over and shaking. James got me some meds to help me feel better.

But WOW, a couple hours after that, I woke up screaming! I had this very, VERY sharp pain in my back and I was in A LOT of pain! I couldn’t move but was soooo uncomfortable! My husband quickly got up to get me some stronger meds.

I hardly ever take meds. I prefer a more natural approach in most things but this was beyond that.

He got me my heating pad and helped put it under my back. I managed to get back to sleep. Once I awoke Wednesday morning, my right arm was stiff and I could not move my head around at all.

Fortunately, it was my husband’s day off. He kindly got up with the boys and let me stay in bed ALL DAY! I couldn’t move without excruciating pain. He let me sleep and brought me food once I was ready.

How appropriate that today is Valentine’s Day! I’m so blessed with such a wonderfully caring husband. He truly takes his vows seriously. He cares for me when I am sick. In my worse. I love him more and more each day!

What are you thankful for on this Valentine’s Day?