Day after a Holiday. Busy.
It took me forever to get an appointment in to see someone after my miscarriage. They were booked being the day after Memorial Day. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and called to tell me to come in a 2:45.
The day seemed to drag on F.O.R.E.V.E.R.
Wondering. Is there a twin? Could I still be pregnant? After each miscarriage, I always wonder, pray and hope for life still.
This time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I had miscarried. I will write her delivery story later (WARNING: this will be a tough post, but it was so real to me I felt I would share). I have lost my poor Grace. Conner and Elias just knew this was their baby sister.
I held her. Inside and out. I was so relieved to not flush her away. Maybe they can do some test and see if they can find out what is going on.
Both are working today. Thankfully my step-mom, Laurie, could watch the boys.
I must go alone.
Alone to find out what I knew to be true. My baby is gone.
As the day carried on, thoughts filled my head. The Holy Spirit calmed my heart and reminded me He is still with me. I am strong because He is my strength.
I cried and prayed the whole drive.
God, I don’t understand why you keep giving me these babies and then not allowing me to keep them. BUT I continue to trust in Your plan.
I would love to still have life in me. PLEASE! But I know Grace is gone. Take care of my sweet babies. I miss them all so much. My heart longs for more babies. More babies to teach and train to love You.
Teach and train me to be the mom You want me to be. Thank You for blessing me with my two boys, Conner and Elias. They bring me such joy. Thank You for these moments to remind me to not take for granted what I do have.
God, I don’t know what to pray for. Grace is gone. I can no longer pray to keep her. I want you to have control of my family and how many children I have, but my husband is worried. He doesn’t like seeing me go through this. And I cannot imagine how hard it is on him. I don’t want to control this situation. Help me. Help us. Let them find answers with simple solutions.
Hold my hand today. Carry me in. I don’t have the strength to walk the halls alone.
I arrived. Picked up sweet Grace and placed her gently in my bag. (Don’t worry. She was in a cup in a zip-lock bag. Not how I wanted to carry her.)
We walked through the halls again, as we did last week. I spoke to her again. This time through tears and heartbreak that this was our last walk together. After this point I would only carry her in my heart.
Deep breath. Prepare yourself. There will be a lot of pregnant women, or newborn babies.
Opened door and went straight to the desk to sign in. I must have had heartbreak all over my face. I asked to go to the bathroom, and I was so relieved when someone was waiting for me when I came out.
WHEW! No waiting room full of pregnant women and babies.
I tried to stay strong but broke down a lot. They spoke with me and tried to set up an ultrasound to see if everything was gone. Couldn’t do it today so I go in tomorrow at 1.
They took sweet Grace to test her. <kisses> I will love you no less.
They took more blood to test my levels and set me up to see an fertility specialist they work with.
WAIT. WHAT? INFERTILITY? How in the world? Did you know that if you have multiple miscarriages, even though you are clearly able to get pregnant, you are considered infertile? Wow. After two kids, I never thought this would be a label added to me.
No new answers. Guess I knew I wouldn’t know much today, other than everything was gone now, but I will know that tomorrow.
This is a tough road I am on. To find more answers.
I am encouraged by a wonderful friend, Betty Winford, CNM. She was my midwife with Conner. Back before I became high-risk. She mentioned a few things to test for, and many have some easy fixes.
So to those who think: Are you done trying for more now? Are you going to stop now? You need to have more time to heal. And the list goes ON and ON and ON… God is taking care of us. We are doing what we need to do and we are talking to the One who matters most.
Please join me as I search for answers. I will blog my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and I know there are people like me, searching for others who understand. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.
Will you join me? What is your story? Are you joining to understand because you have never experienced, or maybe you know someone who has? Are you joining because you too have gone through a loss? Share your heaven babies with us if you feel comfortable enough.