2 Kids and Counting (Prayerfully)

I hate gas!

No joke. This was what I said to my husband last night laying in bed.

You know the kind. The kind that rumbles in your tummy but not like usual. The kind that feels like a baby moving around in your belly. Kicking and rolling. Playing around.

This stupid gas. Always gives me a slight shimmer of hope that maybe I’m pregnant and I’ve just been bleeding every month for fun.

My heart longs for that feeling again! I ache to feel the movement of a baby inside me again. Although, I will admit, I’ve told God I would be ok to be one of those moms who “didn’t know I was pregnant” and I suddenly had a baby.

I must insert here… My heart aches hard for my friends who have this same longing but cannot get pregnant and have never been pregnant. I cannot fully imagine the longing and hurt they have. I am blessed to have experienced this, and I know I should just be grateful for my two precious boys, but it still hurts. Let’s just say it like it is… This sucks! For both of us.

Shortly after James and I got married, we decided we no longer agreed with the way many (most really) birth control methods worked, and we did not like the side effects I was having. We started natural family planning. We’ve always known we wanted a large family. Six. Or more 😉 if God so chooses. After Conner was born we kind of went back on natural family planning, always knowing we would be ecstatic any and every time we got pregnant. Planned or not. Bring on the babies God.

Elias was pretty well planned. Well of course except his arrival ;-)!

And then the miscarriages started.

My sweet Hope.

And Jonah.

And then Shiloh.

And precious Grace.

My prayer…

God we give all our children to You! You know our hearts desires. May they line up with Your will.

It is hard to understand why. James and I want children; Your blessings! We try not to take this area in our own hands, while so many others cry in anger at being pregnant.

God continue to strengthen and renew us daily. Continue to give us the peace only You can. Thank You for being a big God who can take my anger. Who can handle my fears. Who can calm my storms. And thank You for Your promises. Thank You for all SIX of my children. And thank You for all future children we will be blessed with. May we continue to do Your work. And continue to spread Your Word. Use us in anyway You can. Even in our heartaches. Thank You God for loving us and taking care of us. We love You. Amen.

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Grace’s Birth Story: WARNING a Miscarriage

WARNING: This was difficult to live through and it may be hard to read. Proceed with caution.

Saturday night, May 25th, is when the blood started to appear. Just as it has every other time.

As always, I freak out. Pray. Calm down. This is normal. I am sure there is a simple explanation. Pray. OH MY GOSH! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Pray. No it’s not. Trust God. Lots of people bleed during their pregnancy and have babies. Pray. I’m losing another one.

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER AGAIN!!!

My mind won’t stop wandering.

I call the emergency line to my office. They call back quickly. She is kind. Says there a number of reasons I could be bleeding and it can be normal. She bled during all her pregnancies so she understands the paranoia. She has never had a miscarriage. Told me to watch it and what to go to the hospital for. I went to bed.

As I lay in bed, I can tell. This is really happening again.

Sunday morning, slight contractions began. It wasn’t nearly as extreme as it was with Conner and Elias, but it was much more than I had ever noticed with Hope, Jonah, and Shiloh. Bleeding was getting heavier.

I couldn’t believe how real it felt. I am having a baby. Much too early.

As the day progressed, the contractions were a little stronger, as was the bleeding. Laying around, trying to relax, the pain became strong. I felt a sharp pain and got up off the couch. It was around 2 pm. I looked at my husband as I got off the couch. Pain. A lot of pain.

As I sat on the toilet, plop. Something large (well larger than I had experienced before during a pregnancy) fell out. I jumped up before I began to pee. Something, a lot of something, was down there.

I yelled for James to bring me a long spoon and a disposable cup. Grace would not be flushed.

As I scooped up what had fallen out, I saw what appeared to be tissue. I knew this could be tested. There was also a large blood clot I believe.

And then.

I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had never seen this before. There it was. The sac. So small. The size of a grape.

Here is my Grace. She had just delivered. Far too soon.

Things were a blur. I think I was shaking. No doubt in my mind, this was my baby. Things were foggy and I was in a bit of a shock so I couldn’t see anything inside, but this was her sac for sure.

I placed everything gently in the cup and walked out of the bathroom carrying her. This time in my hands. Walking out in a daze, I asked James what I should do with her. We put the cup in a zip-lock bag and put her in the fridge. We have never had to do this before so we were clueless.

Everything was so real. I was in a bit of peaceful awe. I felt this delivery. Just as clearly as my natural birth with Elias. Wow. How amazing, yet sad. Despite the terrible situation, feeling the contractions, the delivery, holding my baby. This birth was so real. Tragic. But real.

The pain lessened quite a bit, but slight contractions still continued. Blood clots fell often and were rather big. This seemed like much more blood than before, but I think this pregnancy made it much further than the rest. This continued through Sunday and Monday. Tuesday didn’t seem as bad, but still quite a bit of blood.

Contractions started again, slightly, following my appointment Tuesday. This seemed rather odd to me since nothing should be left, but I carried on.

Late Tuesday night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and again, plop. Looking down, I was horrified. It was much larger and clearly not a blood clot. At first glance, there appeared to be a head and body. How could this be? This was much larger than the sac I had the other day, and the baby should be in the sac.

I rushed to get another spoon and cup and pull it out. As I pulled it out, shock is the only way to describe it. Horrifying. I was reminded of pictures I had seen of abortions. You know the ones? Where it doesn’t even look like a baby. I was shaking. Trembling. It was late. I was tired. I was exhausted. It had been a LONG, TOUGH several days.

I called to James to come and look. His opinions mean a lot to me and I wanted to know what he thought. He had been asleep so he was really out of it. He went to bed as I took this downstairs to put in the fridge.

The entire walk was a daze. A blur. Shaking. Trembling. Scared of the unknown. This was new to me. What was it? How could this be my baby? It was much larger and was so disfigured. Nothing like a baby with distinct features.

It was as if I was doing something wrong. I am not sure why, but I just felt sick. As if I had performed an abortion, or caused the death somehow. (No need to comment about how this is not my fault etc. etc. I know this. This is just me expressing my thoughts at the time.)

I cried as I slowly made my way up the stairs, into the room. James was waiting for me in bed. He knew I would need him now more than ever. I bawled as I told him how I felt and thinking of all the precious babies lost to abortions. He mentioned the thought that it was probably the lining from my uterus. Of course. WOW! It was large. My thoughts wandered to, “What if this has been some of the problem in the past?” (The nurse confirmed this was the lining)

I am no expert, so please don’t criticize my thoughts. These are the thoughts of a simple girl. A mom who longs for more children.

As I laid in bed, my body felt done. Relaxed. At ease. Finally. No more contractions. No more pain. Everything was passing as it should.

Wednesday morning I passed the last of the bigger clots.

Pregnancy is coming to end.

Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound

Have you read I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages or Dropping Off Grace: Miscarriage Follow Up?

Leaving the appointment Tuesday, I made my way down the long hall. Music was playing. Reminded me of funeral music. Kind of appropriate I guess.

As I left the office Tuesday, they told me they would call tomorrow after my ultrasound to tell me the results of everything.

Fortunately, James had the day off but he stayed in the van with the boys. Coming out of the appointment all my boys were surprisingly in the lobby. They had to go potty. It was so nice to see them!

I carried on with my day after my appointment Wednesday, but I was waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.

It didn’t.

The nurse FINALLY called today with my results. HCG levels are now at 690 and progesterone at 10.4 (I was still on the pills). My sonogram pictures came back good… as in everything has come out and the lining looks good and thin. They did notice a lot of blood clots so she told me to expect a lot more and take it easy.

I’m exhausted. Understandably.

P question

I feel drained, and I’m sure the fact that I am literally draining has a lot to do with it.

Most people won’t understand, but I do feel this is a good thing. Much more has come out now than ever before. This can be good if some of what is coming out has needed to come out for a while. Also, I believe this pregnancy made it further and better than the others, so I think we are making at least some good progress.

I am looking forward to our appointment in a few weeks and finding some answers.

God is with me. He is my strength, and my wonderful husband and two beautiful boys my medicine.

Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up

Day after a Holiday. Busy.

It took me forever to get an appointment in to see someone after my miscarriage. They were booked being the day after Memorial Day. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and called to tell me to come in a 2:45.

The day seemed to drag on F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

Wondering. Is there a twin? Could I still be pregnant? After each miscarriage, I always wonder, pray and hope for life still.

This time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I had miscarried. I will write her delivery story later (WARNING: this will be a tough post, but it was so real to me I felt I would share). I have lost my poor Grace. Conner and Elias just knew this was their baby sister.

I held her. Inside and out. I was so relieved to not flush her away. Maybe they can do some test and see if they can find out what is going on.

This appointment would be different. James was with me as we found out Hope was gone. My sweet friend Krystle, aka Bo, was with me just as I lost Jonah at my appointment.

Both are working today. Thankfully my step-mom, Laurie, could watch the boys.

I must go alone.

Alone.

Alone to find out what I knew to be true. My baby is gone.

As the day carried on, thoughts filled my head. The Holy Spirit calmed my heart and reminded me He is still with me. I am strong because He is my strength.

I cried and prayed the whole drive.

God, I don’t understand why you keep giving me these babies and then not allowing me to keep them. BUT I continue to trust in Your plan.

I would love to still have life in me. PLEASE! But I know Grace is gone. Take care of my sweet babies. I miss them all so much. My heart longs for more babies. More babies to teach and train to love You.

Teach and train me to be the mom You want me to be. Thank You for blessing me with my two boys, Conner and Elias. They bring me such joy. Thank You for these moments to remind me to not take for granted what I do have.

God, I don’t know what to pray for. Grace is gone. I can no longer pray to keep her. I want you to have control of my family and how many children I have, but my husband is worried. He doesn’t like seeing me go through this. And I cannot imagine how hard it is on him. I don’t want to control this situation. Help me. Help us. Let them find answers with simple solutions.

Hold my hand today. Carry me in. I don’t have the strength to walk the halls alone.

I arrived. Picked up sweet Grace and placed her gently in my bag. (Don’t worry. She was in a cup in a zip-lock bag. Not how I wanted to carry her.)

We walked through the halls again, as we did last week. I spoke to her again. This time through tears and heartbreak that this was our last walk together. After this point I would only carry her in my heart.

Deep breath. Prepare yourself. There will be a lot of pregnant women, or newborn babies.

Opened door and went straight to the desk to sign in. I must have had heartbreak all over my face. I asked to go to the bathroom, and I was so relieved when someone was waiting for me when I came out.

WHEW! No waiting room full of pregnant women and babies.

I tried to stay strong but broke down a lot. They spoke with me and tried to set up an ultrasound to see if everything was gone. Couldn’t do it today so I go in tomorrow at 1.

They took sweet Grace to test her. <kisses> I will love you no less.

They took more blood to test my levels and set me up to see an fertility specialist they work with.

WAIT. WHAT? INFERTILITY? How in the world? Did you know that if you have multiple miscarriages, even though you are clearly able to get pregnant, you are considered infertile? Wow. After two kids, I never thought this would be a label added to me.

No new answers. Guess I knew I wouldn’t know much today, other than everything was gone now, but I will know that tomorrow.

This is a tough road I am on. To find more answers.

English: Rough Road

I am encouraged by a wonderful friend, Betty Winford, CNM. She was my midwife with Conner. Back before I became high-risk. She mentioned a few things to test for, and many have some easy fixes.

So to those who think: Are you done trying for more now? Are you going to stop now? You need to have more time to heal. And the list goes ON and ON and ON… God is taking care of us. We are doing what we need to do and we are talking to the One who matters most.

Please join me as I search for answers. I will blog my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and I know there are people like me, searching for others who understand. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Will you join me? What is your story? Are you joining to understand because you have never experienced, or maybe you know someone who has? Are you joining because you too have gone through a loss? Share your heaven babies with us if you feel comfortable enough.

I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

Written Sunday, May 26, 2013:

Yup. That’s me. The boy who cried wolf.

You know? The woman who keeps telling everyone she is pregnant. After three miscarriages, I wonder, should I tell anyone? Even my husband. But I think, I must get everyone praying for me and this baby immediately.

I was surprised so many I told looked at me with excitement. I feared telling people, knowing that many would think I was crazy. Many would wonder why I bothered telling anyone. Why wouldn’t I wait until I knew this baby would last? I HATE THAT!

This baby is MY BABY! I was excited for the day I would hold this baby. I couldn’t sit around moping and assuming it was not meant to be. When would God take this one too? I have to be excited for this baby. I owe it to him.

I struggled with this, but with a SUPER BOLD positive line, how could I not be hopeful? Even Conner’s pregnancy test was very faint. Hope, my first miscarriage, took forever to get a positive test. And even then, it was so faint. In addition to the very obvious positive test, I also had a lot of family and friends praying and believing.

My first miscarriage I wrote off as the “one” I knew I’d probably have. Then I lost Jonah. WHAT?!?! But how could I possibly have TWO miscarriages in a row?!?!

Then there was Shiloh. My dear sweet Shiloh. I haven’t even written about him. My heart was too broken. I had a very faint positive test that Wednesday, that my husband didn’t accept since it was so faint. Friday I made him get me one that said Pregnant or Not Pregnant and it was clear: PREGNANT!!!

We had some good friends coming over that night and I took the test as they were arriving. ALL but one person there was pregnant. THREE of my close friends all pregnant and at my house as I found out! Of course I was going to tell them in my excitement!!

There was NO WAY I would have three miscarriages in a row. All tests they had done after Jonah seemed to come back fine. It was just a fluke to have two in a row. I am not one of those women who has multiple miscarriages! I am the woman who is going to have lots of children!

That night, as we were playing games with our friends, it started. I could feel it. It was so early, and I was already losing him. I was in true shock and disbelief. My friends prayed with us and cried with us, and left so I could rest.

With each of these we cried and prayed and begged God to let us keep this one. Friends would encourage us with stories of how they bled during their pregnancy and still had a healthy baby. Stories of fasting and praying to God to let them keep this baby. I held on to those stories and my prayers in hope each of these babies would pull through, but then I still lost the baby.

After Shiloh, I knew once I did become pregnant I would need to find out quick because they wanted to start me on Progesterone immediately. This would be God’s answer to our prayers. The help my body needs.

Then, on May 10, 2013, it dawned on me, I think I should have started by now. I could feel the excitement stirring in me to be pregnant again! My heart longs for more babies. I took a test May 11, 2013 morning and there it was!! A BRIGHT BOLD line. IMMEDIATELY! I couldn’t believe how bold the line was and so quick. I have never had a test so obvious!

Immediately, I wanted close friends and family to know and PRAY! I felt such confidence that I would hold this baby in January 2014! Most were excited with me, but I could see in some faces, and even in their voices, they were not going to be too quick to be excited. I understood. I’ve cried wolf so much, why believe me? But I cannot live my life like this.

They started me on Progesterone and then I went in on Wednesday, May 22nd for blood work. This was 6 weeks for me. As I made the walk through the halls, the same halls I walked as I was losing Jonah, I smiled. I talked to my baby about how we would walk these halls many times together. This time would be different. My symptoms were already so strong.

Both Hope and Jonah were lost on 6 weeks and 1 day. I knew this day would be hard. I woke up around 3 am with an upset stomach and some spotting. I freaked out, bawled, and prayed. Begging God to let me keep this one.

The nurse called that day with my numbers. HCG 3614 and progesterone 14.6. They were good, but they wanted to check them again the next Tuesday. I calmed down and trusted in God’s ability.

Then last night happened. Saturday evening on the 25th. I had been spotting brown all day. This worried me because this was how it all started. Then came the red. Slowly, but started coming quicker. My heart broke into pieces. REALLY!?! AGAIN!!!

Now I sit here. In numbness. As I feel my body aching and “crying” out again. I can feel the ever so slight contractions. Nothing like full term labor. The pain of knowing no matter how hard I squeeze, I cannot stop what is happening. Praying. Crying. Begging. Reading God’s Word.

I will go in Tuesday to be checked and start talking about further tests. There is something going on here. I read only 1% of women have three or more miscarriages. Wow! When did I become that statistic?! I have two sons. I am blessed, but how in the world did they come, yet I cannot seem to have another?

Until then, my emotions will bounce. Despair. Heartache. Peace. Love. Hope. Hopelessness. Calmness. Anger. And the list goes on and on. I pray my baby is still there, but for now everything seems just as it has before. I have been here and here I am again.

Want to know What Should I Say?

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His Rib: Back in Action

ImageWhere in the world has His Rib been?

Well I’ll tell you! Just like you, I am a super busy mom!! BUT, I have terribly missed my blog and I am ready to hit the ground running and strong.

So what’s coming?

I’m so glad you asked! Here is a sneak peek of what is to come in the upcoming days:

  • Come Fly With Me – A day by day guide to keeping up with the housecleaning in the midst of a busy schedule!
  • How to Coupon Successfully:Your 3-Ring Binder and Getting Started Again (or For the First Time) – Apparently I never actually finished this series… OOPS!! So we are going to finish it up and I will show you how we have lived without couponing (but with the benefits of our efforts) and how I am going at it again!
  • Touchy Topic Tuesdays – They are back!! And with great topics such as guest posts on vaccinations, homeschooling, responsibilities for the kids, and more!
  • Thankful Thursdays – Will debut again! We have so much to be thankful daily. I will share with you some of these things each week.
  • Shiloh: My Third Heaven Baby – I will share with you my experiences as I faced my third miscarriage.
  • And so much more!!! There will be menu-planning, and in-depth look at my personal daily meal plan as I journey to get healthy.
  • Did I mention my devotions will be coming back?!?! Have you missed these?? I have missed sharing them with you!

WOW!!! I am soooo excited! I know there is more, but cannot share all my secrets!!! Are you excited with me?!? I hope so! Thanks for joining me in my journey, and I look forward to your feedback on our ride!!

What would you like to see a post on?

Touchy Topic: Pro- It Is Not Your Choice

So, it is unbelievable to me that this could possibly be a touchy topic. My heart breaks at the thought that more than 40% of all women will have an abortion at some point in their life.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Jeremiah 1:5

God clearly talks about His love for His children, and that He knew us even before we were formed. There is even a story about punishing those who hurt a pregnant woman causing death to her unborn child. I guess these verses really only argue to the Christians why abortions are wrong.

I find it unfathomable that any Christian can be in favor of this horrible death. This is not a lack of open-mindedness on my part, but rather it is a fight against a life that is formed being taken away through murder. How terrible that anyone thinks they have the right to decide if the precious baby being formed has importance in this world.

OK, what about the non-Christian?

Here you can see the milestones of early life. At 21 days after conception the heart has already started beating! That is only 3 weeks! Most people don’t even know they are pregnant by that point. How in the world can you claim there is no life there?

My sweet Elias was born at just 25 1/2 weeks. I had not even entered into my third trimester. He was only 1 lb 12 oz.

Look at how sweet this precious life is! He could live even being born this early! Some babies have been born as early as 20 weeks and survived. Obviously there is life here.

To those who argue, “What about those who are raped?”

This is such a tiny percentage. In fact, I read in more than one place that only 1% of abortions are because of rape or incest.

To those who argue, “What about birth defects?

First let me start by saying, how do we really know this? I get that technology has come a long way at detecting things, but I’ve heard several stories of people who were told their babies would have defects or wouldn’t survive birth, and the baby was born healthy, free of defects. Having said that, who are we to determine they cannot have a wonderful life, or contribute a great deal to the world? Also, “potential” health concerns only contribute to about 6% of abortions. Again, a small number.

So, the remaining, whopping 93%?!?!

As a woman who has now suffered two miscarriages, it was difficult to not think of those who choose to abort. I felt sad, empty, brokenhearted, and destroyed. I want my babies! How can other people CHOOSE to abort?!? Also, I could not take any sympathy from anyone who is pro-choice. How can you agree it is not life and therefore Ok to abort, but also tell me you are sorry for my loss? What loss? According to the pro-choice it is not a life, and so it is not death.

OK, so it is not my place to judge. I simply want to encourage those of us who are pro-life to do something about abortions, and encourage those who are pro-choice to think about why they see these little children as disposable.

Have you already had or do you know someone who has had an abortion? There is forgiveness in store for those! You/They do not have to hold onto the pain and guilt. I serve a big God who takes away all our pain and sorrows. He restores us and makes us new! How amazing!!

See what a beautiful life these precious babies are missing…

So what can we do to fight against abortion?

Thankful Thursday: P90X

A complete P90X home gym - All of the standard...

A few months after Conner was born, I decided to invest in P90X to help kick my tail in gear. I love watching The Biggest Loser, but I never want to be a contestant! I also want to be healthy for my husband and kids.

A better me makes me a better wife and mom! I also need a lot energy to keep up with these three boys and this house!

When I first saw P90x I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and it might push me harder than I had ever been pushed. You see… I was the kid in jr. high and high school that asked which class could I take to replace my PE credit :). I enjoyed playing sports in general, and played soccer in high school, but the idea of PE class freaked me out.

Once I got into college, I had a gym on campus. I loved this! It was easy access and I could go and do whatever I wanted. So now, in the real world, I needed something convenient for me, especially with a little baby and the baby weight to get rid of. So P90X here I came!

I had done other workout videos before, and they were good, but this had variety and offered an excellent schedule that would transform me in 90 days. Some teenage boys at church told me they didn’t last a week, this motivated me more! There is nothing I love more (well that’s not true, but I do love it!) than a challenge and to show up some teenage boys who were in pretty good shape!

So I started that summer, and 76 days later I looked and felt amazing! I only lost between 5-10 pounds (I don’t remember sorry!), but I was wearing a smaller clothes and felt AWESOME!!! Everyone could tell a difference in my face and other body features. I felt confident and energized! It was definitely worth the hour in each day.

I ended up stopping at 76 days because I started teaching again, which took over my life, and I got pregnant with my sweet Elias! Moving forward, since Elias was born I have done some of the workouts in general, but I was trying to figure out my new life with two and where to fit in working out.

These last several months have been hard on me and my body. I lost Hope on February 7, 2012 and Jonah on April 19, 2012, so last Monday I decided I needed to do something for me and to make me feel better. MOMS: There is NOTHING wrong with taking care of yourself. It is a must!!!

I have figured out the schedule that works best for me. I do it in the mornings after breakfast. Most days we go on a walk, this gives the boys some fresh air and gets them ready for some great floor time. After the walk, or breakfast on busier days, I get out the blocks, or other toys they aren’t used to playing with, and I put in my P90X!

Most of the time I can get through at least 30-45 minutes before Elias realizes he “needs” me. Sometimes we break and I get him distracted, or play with him for a few minutes until he distracts himself, and then back on I go. So far, I have not been able to get to the AbRipperX for long, if at all, because an hour is already long enough without me, for Elias.

I’ve also adjusted it a little for our life. For instance, Saturdays are family days and I usually have no time to work out, and Sundays are out of the question, so I adjust. I believe working out the other 5 days and missing 2 is better than making an excuse, “Well since I can’t do Saturdays or Sundays I guess I won’t do it at all.” I adjust by taking out Yoga. Sorry Yoga lovers… I hate it, well most of it, so I just skip that day and do the next days workout.

In addition to working out more consistently, I am also using the MyFitnessPal app again to keep track of how well I am eating.

I feel energized! I feel empowered! I feel motivated! I feel strong! I feel (a little more) in control of my body, at least in this area, since I can’t control the miscarriages.

I feel good, and I believe this shines through in my time with my husband and kids, in my housework, and other areas in my life.

What are you doing for yourself today?

During and Post Miscarriage with Jonah

I feel empty. I feel gross, and saddened.

You see, this gross is a different kind of gross. It is not just a gross like you’re on your cycle, you are literally bleeding the death of your poor baby. It’s like this weird way your body cries with you, and yet it makes you feel miserable.

Last time I miscarried, I didn’t bleed as much, and I had very little pain. I know this may seem strange, but I hated that. I felt like my poor baby lost her life, so I should have to suffer some.

This time I bled much more and was in more pain. It was not as intense as it would be if I were further along, but was more intense than last time.

I can’t get over how empty I feel. There was precious life inside me, and now there is nothing.

I loved this baby so much! I was so excited for my sweet December baby who we have named Jonah.

I don’t know why God is not saving my babies. 2012 has been a hard year so far, but I look forward to what God is doing in our family. He has big things in store for us, and I know we will grow stronger because of this.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I feel loved because I know my friends and family are heartbroken with me.

You will never know how much your words mean to me. Your texts. Your notes. Your love.

Last night was hard. I didn’t sleep much. I was a mom sandwich for some of the night! Which is exactly what I needed; both boys snuggled right on each side of me! But the remaining time, I thought of how two more children should be snuggled with us. I was sad at thoughts of Hope and Jonah. I was in pain and felt as though I was truly experiencing Jonah’s loss. It was hard.

So now what? I feel like God wants me to remember me and what He wants to do with ME! What do I NEED that maybe I am forgetting or putting off? Time for myself. Time to workout. Time to be alone. Time to read… WAIT… What?!?! <You don’t read!> Yup! I want to read! Time for chick flicks. Time to be healthy. Time to dream. Time for me. Time for me and God.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to get pregnant again. I desperately want that! I just want God’s plan for my life and I want to lead my best life possible. God wants to use ME, as me!

God, please use me! I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know the purpose in losing two babies. I don’t know where you are leading us, but I know you are with us every step of the way. I may be angry with you at times, but thank you for not leaving me.

Thank you for trusting me with the two precious boys I have. Thank you for the most amazing husband. He is strong for me when I cannot be. He keeps things going when I fall a part. He is such an amazing rock. Thank you for my family! I am so blessed.

I may be angry for what you have allowed to be taken, but I am thankful beyond words for what you have allowed me to have! Wow! What an awesome life I have, and an awesome life to come. God, continue to use me! Continue to use my family. Amen”

In my sadness and emptiness, I’m feeling strangely good right now. At peace. It’s odd. Maybe it’s just for a short time. I just feel like it’s ok. God has a plan and I look forward to that plan. My heart is broken yet I know everything is ok. Right now I will be still and wait.

Do you understand this feeling?

Thankful Thursday: In the Midst of a Miscarriage

Again, I am brokenhearted. Today is 6 weeks and 1 day, and I have miscarried. Same week. Same day.

Being Thankful Thursday, I find it difficult to want to be thankful, yet also find myself thankful for many things.

Yesterday I began bleeding. I knew what this could mean since I had just had a miscarriage two months ago. Immediately my mind went to the worst. Last night it was next to impossible for me to stop crying. I bawled all the way to church. During church some. And then in bed.

This morning I woke up and found myself thankful for my two boys. The first miscarriage reminded me how blessed I am that I have children. The second miscarriage is showing me, more than ever, how miraculous it is that anyone of us are able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have healthy babies.

I naively took for granted an “easy” pregnancy with Conner. He was a surprise for us, but we were so happy! I remember thinking, “Some people would love to get pregnant, but are unable. I will never be disappointed by a pregnancy, even an unexpected positive!”

Wow! Looking back now I know how blessed we were to have that amazing surprise. He went a full 9 months. Water broke on due date. I am thankful.

Elias’ conception was more planned, so we weren’t surprised. He did surprise us though! About 3 1/2 months early, but he came out crying. I am thankful.

Hope. Our dear sweet Hope! She was another “surprise” pregnancy (we don’t do a lot to prevent since we want so many kids, so it really isn’t a huge surprise) and we were so very happy! We couldn’t wait to hold her and love on her. We lost Hope at 6 weeks and 1 day. Same as today. I am thankful for Hope.

This pregnancy was planned. I mean PLANNED. Those who know are sharing a laugh with me! I am a numbers person and thought it would be cool to have a 12/12/12 due date. I knew I was probably ovulating the night that this would be possible, and I made it happen ;-). Needless to say, it worked! I am thankful. I am thankful that I can conceive.

As today started, I began thinking of the few other reasons I could be bleeding. Fortunately, I had met with a set of midwives a week or two ago, so they already had all my information. I called them as soon as they opened and they told me I could come in to get checked.

Krystle went with me to the appointment, and Laurie (step-mom) offered to come over and take care of me and the boys for the next two days, so she stayed with them while I went to meet with the midwives. I was glad I didn’t have to go alone, or worry about the boys during the wait. I am thankful.

Not long into the appointment, as she was about to check me, she saw the blood and then found tissue. She told me I think you just miscarried the baby. She was able to collect the tissue to be tested. The baby hadn’t been growing for a week or two :(.

I was glad that I was there, with my super sweet midwife, and not in some dark, cold ER room. She was apologetic and you could truly see her heart was breaking with me. Much different from my last experience. I am thankful.

I was glad that I didn’t flush this poor sweet baby down the toilet. For those who don’t know, this early on it is very common to flush the tissue. It is often unrecognizable, and next to impossible to catch the baby, especially if the baby has fully formed correctly. I am thankful that they handled him with care, and can do tests to determine causes or abnormalities.

So now what? Well honestly, even though I am so very thankful, I don’t feel thankful right now. I feel scared, angry, sad, depressed, worried, lonely, loved, confused, shocked. I feel nothing and everything.

It is difficult to explain how I feel right now. I can’t stop crying, and I feel all cried out. I want to get pregnant again soon, and I never want to get pregnant again. I worry I will never get over this, and I know “this too shall pass.”

I am feeling selfish. I want to lay in my bed. All alone. I want to sleep. Sleep???!!! I want to watch chick flicks. I want to watch movies my husband won’t watch with me. I want to blog. I want to hug my kids, but not take care of them right now. I want to finally take this old toenail polish off, and put new polish on. I want to be selfish! I don’t think that is too much to ask for right now, and thankfully neither do my family and friends. They are taking care of my kids and I am laying in bed.

Don’t worry, I won’t be in here forever. I just need a few days. I want to mourn the loss of this little boy (I’ve felt it was a boy from the beginning!) and rest. I am thankful, but in my own way.

Want to say something? Check out my “What Should I Say” post.