Miscarriage: A Death in the Family

Read Miscarriage: The Pregnancy

February 7, 2012… the day my sweet Hope went to be with our Lord and Savior.

I was 6 weeks and a day.

Unfortunately, many people would not define this as a baby yet. How sad! To them, only a fetus. “Oh good, at least your weren’t very far along.” “At least you didn’t “plan” for this baby.” “At least you already have two children.” “Don’t worry, you can try again soon.”

These are some sayings I’ve heard, or read that others have heard in reaction to hearing of their news. I even wrote a post about What I Should Say in response to people going through difficult times such as these.

It breaks my heart that miscarriages seem so common that people do not regard them as a true death in the family. Even some women who have experienced the loss make light of it or sigh with relief, while others cry alone in pain thinking they are silly since “I wasn’t that far along.”

I “held” that baby! To me, I was now a mom to three! From the moment I had the thought I was pregnant, to the positive test confirming, I imagined that baby in our life. Doesn’t that make it real? Was that not a baby? If you are pro-life, then you should be yelling “yes!!”  So if it was a baby and a life, then the loss is a death. We make a big deal to riot anti-abortion because that fetus is a baby and a life, but yet we don’t mourn and truly grieve with the family that suffers a miscarriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are many out there who understand this is a painful time, but do we treat it as a true death? So what does that even mean? I have no idea. I have been struggling with this thought and many others.

What do I say when I talk about how many kids I have? Can I count this baby? If I don’t, isn’t that the same as acting like it didn’t even happen? So then how do I say it without having to explain everything, every time?

How long is ok to grieve? Will I ever really stop grieving? What if I do “stop” grieving? Does that mean I forgot about this dear sweet baby?

What can I do to remember this baby? To honor this life? To celebrate the gift of this baby, even if it was for such a short time?

Are my friends and family grieving for this baby too? Does it hurt them, too, knowing that this baby would have been a part of their lives too?

Will I see my baby again? What will she (we just felt like this baby was a girl… and really, why argue with us?) look like when we meet her in Heaven?

We prayed for this baby and that God would save her life. Why didn’t You save her, God? Why even allow me to get pregnant if this was going to happen? Did you not see us cry out? Did we do something to deserve this? We would have loved this baby and cared for her so much.

Why didn’t it hurt more? My poor baby lost her life and I didn’t hurt or bleed enough.

Just for the record… I am not looking for you to comment on this blog with answers. I am simply expressing my heart and telling you my thoughts over the last couple of weeks.

Some of these questions do have answers, while others are simply a part of the grieving process. We all have some of these exact same questions when we lose anyone in our life, or when we are going through a hard time. And that is OK!!! We all need to grieve. We all go through the steps of grieving… so don’t judge me for doubting, being angry, frustrated, sad, for not trusting.

Read Miscarriage: Looking for Answers… (again, I am not looking for your to answer my questions. Thank you.)

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14 thoughts on “Miscarriage: A Death in the Family

  1. Pingback: Miscarriage: The Pregnancy « His Rib

  2. Good luck finding your answers. I’m still looking for most of them myself. The only common answer I receive is God knows what is going on ‘big picture’ and he is not required to tell me. I am only required to trust him.

    I quit talking to God after the baby (20 wks old) died in 2006. Between Sam, Matt and the baby I had had it. Then, about two yrs after that, I was watching Love Comes Softly and listened to ‘Clark’ tell ‘Marty’ that if his daughter tripped he wouldn’t be responsible for her tripping, but he would want her to come to him for comfort. For the first time, I thought maybe it wasn’t God’s fault/plan for me to hurt so much. I spent the next two yrs still angry at God for not saving the baby until finally realizing that my anger was truly coming from my disappointment/resentment at God for not doing what I expected or wanted of him. I share this in hopes that you don’t walk my path…it was a lonely four years of just surviving, not living.

    I am sorry you and Jamie are having to go through this pain. I love you guys and am praying for you.

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  5. I will tell you that you will always remember this baby. You will never forget the child you never got to hold in your arms, they will hold a special place in your heart. forever. The pain will lessen, but the memories will not.

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