2 Kids and Counting (Prayerfully)

I hate gas!

No joke. This was what I said to my husband last night laying in bed.

You know the kind. The kind that rumbles in your tummy but not like usual. The kind that feels like a baby moving around in your belly. Kicking and rolling. Playing around.

This stupid gas. Always gives me a slight shimmer of hope that maybe I’m pregnant and I’ve just been bleeding every month for fun.

My heart longs for that feeling again! I ache to feel the movement of a baby inside me again. Although, I will admit, I’ve told God I would be ok to be one of those moms who “didn’t know I was pregnant” and I suddenly had a baby.

I must insert here… My heart aches hard for my friends who have this same longing but cannot get pregnant and have never been pregnant. I cannot fully imagine the longing and hurt they have. I am blessed to have experienced this, and I know I should just be grateful for my two precious boys, but it still hurts. Let’s just say it like it is… This sucks! For both of us.

Shortly after James and I got married, we decided we no longer agreed with the way many (most really) birth control methods worked, and we did not like the side effects I was having. We started natural family planning. We’ve always known we wanted a large family. Six. Or more 😉 if God so chooses. After Conner was born we kind of went back on natural family planning, always knowing we would be ecstatic any and every time we got pregnant. Planned or not. Bring on the babies God.

Elias was pretty well planned. Well of course except his arrival ;-)!

And then the miscarriages started.

My sweet Hope.

And Jonah.

And then Shiloh.

And precious Grace.

My prayer…

God we give all our children to You! You know our hearts desires. May they line up with Your will.

It is hard to understand why. James and I want children; Your blessings! We try not to take this area in our own hands, while so many others cry in anger at being pregnant.

God continue to strengthen and renew us daily. Continue to give us the peace only You can. Thank You for being a big God who can take my anger. Who can handle my fears. Who can calm my storms. And thank You for Your promises. Thank You for all SIX of my children. And thank You for all future children we will be blessed with. May we continue to do Your work. And continue to spread Your Word. Use us in anyway You can. Even in our heartaches. Thank You God for loving us and taking care of us. We love You. Amen.

Let The Weak Say I Am Strong

My heart is heavy. My heart is full.

Thoughts are turning. I want to sleep but cannot.

God I cry out to you. You have laid so many on my mind. Many of my friends are longing and needing you.

They need you more. More than yesterday! I need you more. More than words can say.

God I lift them up to you. Hold them. Carry them. Give them the strength they need. The strength they don’t know they have. Me too Lord.

For my friends grieving the loss of their child. Taken too soon. We cry out to you! Hold them tight. Remind them of your love.

My friends seeking to mend family relationships. Restore them.

Marriages barely hanging on. Show them how to love. You first. And each other over all others.

Friends longing to be pregnant. Desperately praying for a miracle baby. Touch the womb. Touch their hearts.

For my friends rejoicing and still praying over their mom’s brain surgery. How hard this has been on them. Thank you God for hearing their prayers. Continue to touch and heal!

God hold tight and guide my single friend longing to do right by you. Show them how and give them the strength to stand firm.

For my sister grieving the loss of her friend. And for this friend’s family. Give the peace only you can.

Lord be with friend with unknown medical issues. Heal her pain. Help the doctors find answers and solutions or remove it all together. Only you can.

Provide jobs for many of my friends looking for your guidance and direction for what is next.

Touch my body. Heal me God. Renew me. Give us another baby if it be your will. In your perfect timing. Continue to heal our hurting hearts from the miscarriages. And my friends also grieving these same losses.

My friend holding strong in her marriage as her husband is seeking your help to overcome his past.

God be with single mom friend. She is having difficulty with the ex husband. Help them communicate only when necessary and be civil for the kids. Give her strength to ignore his negativity and to raise her children in a godly environment.

Prepare my friend and sister in law as they are giving birth soon. Allow them to rest in the next few weeks. Let the births be uneventful yet full of joy!

For Abundant Life reaching out to the community of Grand Prairie and surrounding areas. Let us show your love to those who need it. That we may be your light.

And so many more on my mind. You know. You see.

God you are the only one who knows us inside and out. The only one who can heal our pain. The only one who can carry us. Let us fall in your arms and may we find rest when we are weary.

Give thanks with a grateful heart. Give thanks to the Holy One. Give thanks because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son.

And now let the weak say, “I am strong”.
Let the poor say, “I am rich
Because of what the Lord has done for us”

Amen.

The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 2

Did you read The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 1?

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

They finally call us back.

Nurse Candy came to get me. She took my weight, up 10 pounds from my wedding day weight. I’m not surprised since the move was time consuming and stressful, I haven’t worked out since I packed everything in storage (I know that’s a lame excuse), and 5 of those have just been in the last 3 weeks since the miscarriage. I’m not intentionally eating and drinking my sorrows away, but I think sonic half price shakes and cherry cokes have been some of my comfort. Even writing that makes me want to run out and get one.

She took my vitals and asked what was going on. I told her I’ve had four miscarriages since the birth of my second son.

Candy was super encouraging. She said she felt good that the insurance would pay since it is to find out what is wrong and not fertility treatments to get me pregnant. She also encouraged us that Dr. DeLeon is really good at doing the right tests to find out what is wrong.

Once she left us, the real waiting game started. We probably waited a good 45 minutes before the doctor came in.

Good thing I brought my live, one man comedian! My husband is so cheesy but I should admit his sense of humor won my heart! We had some special sweet teases. Maybe some out of awkwardness from having to come see a infertility specialist and not knowing what to expect. Nonetheless, it was nice to have a few minutes to talk and laugh just the two of us. I tried to talk to him about a blog series I want to start soon, but that was almost pointless :-). His attention span is less than a 6 week old puppy. I’m not much better so this always makes for a good time.

Anyways, now to what you care about. The doctor took us out of the room and into his office. He told us about the three different tests we can do: 1. Genetic testing 2. Autoimmune 3. And suddenly we don’t remember this one 😉 but we think something to do with progesterone.

He said with me miscarrying so early he highly doubted the autoimmune test would come back negative. That seemed like a good thing because he talked like that was a lot harder to take care of.

He did prepare us that we may get lots of negatives at first and it will be frustrating because we want answers, but he encouraged us too. He said since we have two kids already that odds are in our favor we will be successful again!! And I was clearly fertile so that was good too!

We have to wait until 6 weeks after the miscarriage before we do the tests because if I still show up positive it could mess up the results. Then 2-3 weeks for results to come in.

So now we wait again. Wait to see what the insurance will cover. Wait until I’m for sure no longer pregnant. And then wait until the testing can be done and results can come in.

I knew today wouldn’t be the end. I knew we wouldn’t walk away with answers. I had hoped to go ahead and do some testing but what’s the hurry now I guess.

I did go over to the other office to see if they wanted to take another test to check my HCG levels. They asked me to wait while they went to ask. Catheline, my favorite midwife at the clinic, and who I’ve seen many times before but was out of town when I miscarried, came into their office. I hear her asking, “Where is Tiffany?!” I stood up. She looked at me and you could tell, she was heartbroken for me. She sympathized with me. I walked over and she immediately said she was so sorry. She made me feel so important and special. Like I was the only person that mattered in that office. She told me she wanted to test me today and also get a follow up appointment set up with me. I felt so important to her.

As we walked out into the parking lot, I told James, how easy it was for her to make me feel so special. We spend so much time wondering how to make a difference in people’s lives. All she did was look at me with kindness. With a look that she truly cared. She focused only on me and no one else for just a few short moments. She took time out of her busy schedule to stop, find me, and tell me she was so sorry. How can we make people around us feel this special?

Anyways, I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for joining along with me.

Have you had to be tested for any of these things?

The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 1

June 17th is finally here. My appointment with the infertility doctor is today.

I kept myself busy as I waited for my husband to get home to go with me. Decided we needed to clean out some clothes!

What will he say? Will he give me hope or discouraging news? Will we just talk or will he do some testing?

Cannot wait to find some answers.

We take the long walk down the hall. I tell my husband it’s so nice to not be doing this walk alone as I have the last (at least) three times. His busy schedule makes it difficult to attend with me. This appointment was set up with his schedule in mind.

Out the elevator and through the open entry way. Yup. No door. Fun. You get to sit in the infertility waiting room, right by the elevators, with nothing hiding you. AND… a perfect view to the door where all the pregnant and new moms are coming in and out.

We sign in. Already discouraging news. The receptionist tells me my insurance may not cover some of this. She tells us let’s wait and see what the doctor wants us to have tested and go from there.

We sit down.

Now we are waiting with another couple and woman. No one looks happy. Everyone has a look full of questions and no answers. A couple leaves with the look of how I feel. Will we ever have another baby.

Moms with multiple kids come off and on the elevator. Pregnant women anxiously going to their appointments. I watch as the door to my other office constantly opens as happy moms leave into bliss. All full of smiles.

We wait…

A Peace That Passeth All Understanding

Philippians 4:7 (KJV)
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

How often have you heard people say, or maybe you have said yourself, “I will pray for a peace that passeth all understanding?” A common saying for those dealing with a major loss, but do we really understand what we are saying?

 

Maybe you understood this verse long ago, and you say it and know exactly what it means, but I have never truly thought about it. Aside from that, I had never really experienced it that I can remember.

 

Last year, when we lost Hope, my heart broke. My world was turned upside down. Although I knew it was something that could happen, I assumed it wouldn’t happen to us. I had a peace. A peace that I didn’t understand. How could I be at peace? I wanted this baby so very much. My heart was breaking and I was devastated. Yet peace.

 

The Holy Spirit covered me. I knew I would have a baby again, but Hope was not to be. I will see her again one day.

 

As I continued on to miscarry three more babies, I fought anger, sadness, depression, and yet still a strange peace. A peace that God was with me. A peace that He would give us another baby. A peace that everything was going to be alright. A peace that I didn’t understand.

 

Many have asked and been surprised I haven’t been angry at God. I have found myself angry, but rarely, if ever, at God. Angry at my body, myself, and other silly things. But why? It only made me stronger and more determined. It only drew me closer to God, seeking Him more and His will for our family. He gave me peace. A peace I can not understand. When I feel like I should be falling a part, but instead I have peace. Trusting in Him and what He has for our family.

 

Now when I see someone falling a part. Maybe they just lost someone, or they seem to be going through something very difficult on them, I truly pray for a peace. A peace that passeth all understanding.

 

Think about that.

 

Really.

 

Ponder what that peace is like.

 

In the midst of pain, suffering, sorrow. Peace. Stillness. Trust.

 

Are you going through a tough time? A time that seems like too much? Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Stressed? Heartbroken? Confused? Dealing with a loss? I pray that you too will experience the peace. The peace that passeth all understanding. That goes beyond anything you can fathom. A peace that only the Holy Spirit can give.

 

Have you felt this kind of peace before? Would love for you to share your story with us.

 

Grace’s Birth Story: WARNING a Miscarriage

WARNING: This was difficult to live through and it may be hard to read. Proceed with caution.

Saturday night, May 25th, is when the blood started to appear. Just as it has every other time.

As always, I freak out. Pray. Calm down. This is normal. I am sure there is a simple explanation. Pray. OH MY GOSH! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Pray. No it’s not. Trust God. Lots of people bleed during their pregnancy and have babies. Pray. I’m losing another one.

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER AGAIN!!!

My mind won’t stop wandering.

I call the emergency line to my office. They call back quickly. She is kind. Says there a number of reasons I could be bleeding and it can be normal. She bled during all her pregnancies so she understands the paranoia. She has never had a miscarriage. Told me to watch it and what to go to the hospital for. I went to bed.

As I lay in bed, I can tell. This is really happening again.

Sunday morning, slight contractions began. It wasn’t nearly as extreme as it was with Conner and Elias, but it was much more than I had ever noticed with Hope, Jonah, and Shiloh. Bleeding was getting heavier.

I couldn’t believe how real it felt. I am having a baby. Much too early.

As the day progressed, the contractions were a little stronger, as was the bleeding. Laying around, trying to relax, the pain became strong. I felt a sharp pain and got up off the couch. It was around 2 pm. I looked at my husband as I got off the couch. Pain. A lot of pain.

As I sat on the toilet, plop. Something large (well larger than I had experienced before during a pregnancy) fell out. I jumped up before I began to pee. Something, a lot of something, was down there.

I yelled for James to bring me a long spoon and a disposable cup. Grace would not be flushed.

As I scooped up what had fallen out, I saw what appeared to be tissue. I knew this could be tested. There was also a large blood clot I believe.

And then.

I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had never seen this before. There it was. The sac. So small. The size of a grape.

Here is my Grace. She had just delivered. Far too soon.

Things were a blur. I think I was shaking. No doubt in my mind, this was my baby. Things were foggy and I was in a bit of a shock so I couldn’t see anything inside, but this was her sac for sure.

I placed everything gently in the cup and walked out of the bathroom carrying her. This time in my hands. Walking out in a daze, I asked James what I should do with her. We put the cup in a zip-lock bag and put her in the fridge. We have never had to do this before so we were clueless.

Everything was so real. I was in a bit of peaceful awe. I felt this delivery. Just as clearly as my natural birth with Elias. Wow. How amazing, yet sad. Despite the terrible situation, feeling the contractions, the delivery, holding my baby. This birth was so real. Tragic. But real.

The pain lessened quite a bit, but slight contractions still continued. Blood clots fell often and were rather big. This seemed like much more blood than before, but I think this pregnancy made it much further than the rest. This continued through Sunday and Monday. Tuesday didn’t seem as bad, but still quite a bit of blood.

Contractions started again, slightly, following my appointment Tuesday. This seemed rather odd to me since nothing should be left, but I carried on.

Late Tuesday night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and again, plop. Looking down, I was horrified. It was much larger and clearly not a blood clot. At first glance, there appeared to be a head and body. How could this be? This was much larger than the sac I had the other day, and the baby should be in the sac.

I rushed to get another spoon and cup and pull it out. As I pulled it out, shock is the only way to describe it. Horrifying. I was reminded of pictures I had seen of abortions. You know the ones? Where it doesn’t even look like a baby. I was shaking. Trembling. It was late. I was tired. I was exhausted. It had been a LONG, TOUGH several days.

I called to James to come and look. His opinions mean a lot to me and I wanted to know what he thought. He had been asleep so he was really out of it. He went to bed as I took this downstairs to put in the fridge.

The entire walk was a daze. A blur. Shaking. Trembling. Scared of the unknown. This was new to me. What was it? How could this be my baby? It was much larger and was so disfigured. Nothing like a baby with distinct features.

It was as if I was doing something wrong. I am not sure why, but I just felt sick. As if I had performed an abortion, or caused the death somehow. (No need to comment about how this is not my fault etc. etc. I know this. This is just me expressing my thoughts at the time.)

I cried as I slowly made my way up the stairs, into the room. James was waiting for me in bed. He knew I would need him now more than ever. I bawled as I told him how I felt and thinking of all the precious babies lost to abortions. He mentioned the thought that it was probably the lining from my uterus. Of course. WOW! It was large. My thoughts wandered to, “What if this has been some of the problem in the past?” (The nurse confirmed this was the lining)

I am no expert, so please don’t criticize my thoughts. These are the thoughts of a simple girl. A mom who longs for more children.

As I laid in bed, my body felt done. Relaxed. At ease. Finally. No more contractions. No more pain. Everything was passing as it should.

Wednesday morning I passed the last of the bigger clots.

Pregnancy is coming to end.

Related articles

• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages
• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound (hisrib.wordpress.com)

Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound

Have you read I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages or Dropping Off Grace: Miscarriage Follow Up?

Leaving the appointment Tuesday, I made my way down the long hall. Music was playing. Reminded me of funeral music. Kind of appropriate I guess.

As I left the office Tuesday, they told me they would call tomorrow after my ultrasound to tell me the results of everything.

Fortunately, James had the day off but he stayed in the van with the boys. Coming out of the appointment all my boys were surprisingly in the lobby. They had to go potty. It was so nice to see them!

I carried on with my day after my appointment Wednesday, but I was waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.

It didn’t.

The nurse FINALLY called today with my results. HCG levels are now at 690 and progesterone at 10.4 (I was still on the pills). My sonogram pictures came back good… as in everything has come out and the lining looks good and thin. They did notice a lot of blood clots so she told me to expect a lot more and take it easy.

I’m exhausted. Understandably.

I feel drained, and I’m sure the fact that I am literally draining has a lot to do with it.

Most people won’t understand, but I do feel this is a good thing. Much more has come out now than ever before. This can be good if some of what is coming out has needed to come out for a while. Also, I believe this pregnancy made it further and better than the others, so I think we are making at least some good progress.

I am looking forward to our appointment in a few weeks and finding some answers.

God is with me. He is my strength, and my wonderful husband and two beautiful boys my medicine.

Related articles

• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)
• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages (hisrib.wordpress.com)

Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up

Day after a Holiday. Busy.

It took me forever to get an appointment in to see someone after my miscarriage. They were booked being the day after Memorial Day. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and called to tell me to come in a 2:45.

The day seemed to drag on F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

Wondering. Is there a twin? Could I still be pregnant? After each miscarriage, I always wonder, pray and hope for life still.

This time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I had miscarried. I will write her delivery story later (WARNING: this will be a tough post, but it was so real to me I felt I would share). I have lost my poor Grace. Conner and Elias just knew this was their baby sister.

I held her. Inside and out. I was so relieved to not flush her away. Maybe they can do some test and see if they can find out what is going on.

This appointment would be different. James was with me as we found out Hope was gone. My sweet friend Krystle, aka Bo, was with me just as I lost Jonah at my appointment.

Both are working today. Thankfully my step-mom, Laurie, could watch the boys.

I must go alone.

Alone.

Alone to find out what I knew to be true. My baby is gone.

As the day carried on, thoughts filled my head. The Holy Spirit calmed my heart and reminded me He is still with me. I am strong because He is my strength.

I cried and prayed the whole drive.

God, I don’t understand why you keep giving me these babies and then not allowing me to keep them. BUT I continue to trust in Your plan.

I would love to still have life in me. PLEASE! But I know Grace is gone. Take care of my sweet babies. I miss them all so much. My heart longs for more babies. More babies to teach and train to love You.

Teach and train me to be the mom You want me to be. Thank You for blessing me with my two boys, Conner and Elias. They bring me such joy. Thank You for these moments to remind me to not take for granted what I do have.

God, I don’t know what to pray for. Grace is gone. I can no longer pray to keep her. I want you to have control of my family and how many children I have, but my husband is worried. He doesn’t like seeing me go through this. And I cannot imagine how hard it is on him. I don’t want to control this situation. Help me. Help us. Let them find answers with simple solutions.

Hold my hand today. Carry me in. I don’t have the strength to walk the halls alone.

I arrived. Picked up sweet Grace and placed her gently in my bag. (Don’t worry. She was in a cup in a zip-lock bag. Not how I wanted to carry her.)

We walked through the halls again, as we did last week. I spoke to her again. This time through tears and heartbreak that this was our last walk together. After this point I would only carry her in my heart.

Deep breath. Prepare yourself. There will be a lot of pregnant women, or newborn babies.

Opened door and went straight to the desk to sign in. I must have had heartbreak all over my face. I asked to go to the bathroom, and I was so relieved when someone was waiting for me when I came out.

WHEW! No waiting room full of pregnant women and babies.

I tried to stay strong but broke down a lot. They spoke with me and tried to set up an ultrasound to see if everything was gone. Couldn’t do it today so I go in tomorrow at 1.

They took sweet Grace to test her. <kisses> I will love you no less.

They took more blood to test my levels and set me up to see an fertility specialist they work with.

WAIT. WHAT? INFERTILITY? How in the world? Did you know that if you have multiple miscarriages, even though you are clearly able to get pregnant, you are considered infertile? Wow. After two kids, I never thought this would be a label added to me.

No new answers. Guess I knew I wouldn’t know much today, other than everything was gone now, but I will know that tomorrow.

This is a tough road I am on. To find more answers.

I am encouraged by a wonderful friend, Betty Winford, CNM. She was my midwife with Conner. Back before I became high-risk. She mentioned a few things to test for, and many have some easy fixes.

So to those who think: Are you done trying for more now? Are you going to stop now? You need to have more time to heal. And the list goes ON and ON and ON… God is taking care of us. We are doing what we need to do and we are talking to the One who matters most.

Please join me as I search for answers. I will blog my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and I know there are people like me, searching for others who understand. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Will you join me? What is your story? Are you joining to understand because you have never experienced, or maybe you know someone who has? Are you joining because you too have gone through a loss? Share your heaven babies with us if you feel comfortable enough.

Related articles

• I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

Written Sunday, May 26, 2013:

Yup. That’s me. The boy who cried wolf.

You know? The woman who keeps telling everyone she is pregnant. After three miscarriages, I wonder, should I tell anyone? Even my husband. But I think, I must get everyone praying for me and this baby immediately.

I was surprised so many I told looked at me with excitement. I feared telling people, knowing that many would think I was crazy. Many would wonder why I bothered telling anyone. Why wouldn’t I wait until I knew this baby would last? I HATE THAT!

This baby is MY BABY! I was excited for the day I would hold this baby. I couldn’t sit around moping and assuming it was not meant to be. When would God take this one too? I have to be excited for this baby. I owe it to him.

I struggled with this, but with a SUPER BOLD positive line, how could I not be hopeful? Even Conner’s pregnancy test was very faint. Hope, my first miscarriage, took forever to get a positive test. And even then, it was so faint. In addition to the very obvious positive test, I also had a lot of family and friends praying and believing.

My first miscarriage I wrote off as the “one” I knew I’d probably have. Then I lost Jonah. WHAT?!?! But how could I possibly have TWO miscarriages in a row?!?!

Then there was Shiloh. My dear sweet Shiloh. I haven’t even written about him. My heart was too broken. I had a very faint positive test that Wednesday, that my husband didn’t accept since it was so faint. Friday I made him get me one that said Pregnant or Not Pregnant and it was clear: PREGNANT!!!

We had some good friends coming over that night and I took the test as they were arriving. ALL but one person there was pregnant. THREE of my close friends all pregnant and at my house as I found out! Of course I was going to tell them in my excitement!!

There was NO WAY I would have three miscarriages in a row. All tests they had done after Jonah seemed to come back fine. It was just a fluke to have two in a row. I am not one of those women who has multiple miscarriages! I am the woman who is going to have lots of children!

That night, as we were playing games with our friends, it started. I could feel it. It was so early, and I was already losing him. I was in true shock and disbelief. My friends prayed with us and cried with us, and left so I could rest.

With each of these we cried and prayed and begged God to let us keep this one. Friends would encourage us with stories of how they bled during their pregnancy and still had a healthy baby. Stories of fasting and praying to God to let them keep this baby. I held on to those stories and my prayers in hope each of these babies would pull through, but then I still lost the baby.

After Shiloh, I knew once I did become pregnant I would need to find out quick because they wanted to start me on Progesterone immediately. This would be God’s answer to our prayers. The help my body needs.

Then, on May 10, 2013, it dawned on me, I think I should have started by now. I could feel the excitement stirring in me to be pregnant again! My heart longs for more babies. I took a test May 11, 2013 morning and there it was!! A BRIGHT BOLD line. IMMEDIATELY! I couldn’t believe how bold the line was and so quick. I have never had a test so obvious!

Immediately, I wanted close friends and family to know and PRAY! I felt such confidence that I would hold this baby in January 2014! Most were excited with me, but I could see in some faces, and even in their voices, they were not going to be too quick to be excited. I understood. I’ve cried wolf so much, why believe me? But I cannot live my life like this.

They started me on Progesterone and then I went in on Wednesday, May 22nd for blood work. This was 6 weeks for me. As I made the walk through the halls, the same halls I walked as I was losing Jonah, I smiled. I talked to my baby about how we would walk these halls many times together. This time would be different. My symptoms were already so strong.

Both Hope and Jonah were lost on 6 weeks and 1 day. I knew this day would be hard. I woke up around 3 am with an upset stomach and some spotting. I freaked out, bawled, and prayed. Begging God to let me keep this one.

The nurse called that day with my numbers. HCG 3614 and progesterone 14.6. They were good, but they wanted to check them again the next Tuesday. I calmed down and trusted in God’s ability.

Then last night happened. Saturday evening on the 25th. I had been spotting brown all day. This worried me because this was how it all started. Then came the red. Slowly, but started coming quicker. My heart broke into pieces. REALLY!?! AGAIN!!!

Now I sit here. In numbness. As I feel my body aching and “crying” out again. I can feel the ever so slight contractions. Nothing like full term labor. The pain of knowing no matter how hard I squeeze, I cannot stop what is happening. Praying. Crying. Begging. Reading God’s Word.

I will go in Tuesday to be checked and start talking about further tests. There is something going on here. I read only 1% of women have three or more miscarriages. Wow! When did I become that statistic?! I have two sons. I am blessed, but how in the world did they come, yet I cannot seem to have another?

Until then, my emotions will bounce. Despair. Heartache. Peace. Love. Hope. Hopelessness. Calmness. Anger. And the list goes on and on. I pray my baby is still there, but for now everything seems just as it has before. I have been here and here I am again.

Want to know What Should I Say?

Related articles

• Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up (hisrib.wordpress.com)

His Rib: Back in Action

Where in the world has His Rib been?

Well I’ll tell you! Just like you, I am a super busy mom!! BUT, I have terribly missed my blog and I am ready to hit the ground running and strong.

So what’s coming?

I’m so glad you asked! Here is a sneak peek of what is to come in the upcoming days:

• Come Fly With Me – A day by day guide to keeping up with the housecleaning in the midst of a busy schedule!
• How to Coupon Successfully:Your 3-Ring Binder and Getting Started Again (or For the First Time) – Apparently I never actually finished this series… OOPS!! So we are going to finish it up and I will show you how we have lived without couponing (but with the benefits of our efforts) and how I am going at it again!
• Touchy Topic Tuesdays – They are back!! And with great topics such as guest posts on vaccinations, homeschooling, responsibilities for the kids, and more!
• Thankful Thursdays – Will debut again! We have so much to be thankful daily. I will share with you some of these things each week.
• Shiloh: My Third Heaven Baby – I will share with you my experiences as I faced my third miscarriage.
• And so much more!!! There will be menu-planning, and in-depth look at my personal daily meal plan as I journey to get healthy.
• Did I mention my devotions will be coming back?!?! Have you missed these?? I have missed sharing them with you!

WOW!!! I am soooo excited! I know there is more, but cannot share all my secrets!!! Are you excited with me?!? I hope so! Thanks for joining me in my journey, and I look forward to your feedback on our ride!!

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