WARNING: This was difficult to live through and it may be hard to read. Proceed with caution.
Saturday night, May 25th, is when the blood started to appear. Just as it has every other time.
As always, I freak out. Pray. Calm down. This is normal. I am sure there is a simple explanation. Pray. OH MY GOSH! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Pray. No it’s not. Trust God. Lots of people bleed during their pregnancy and have babies. Pray. I’m losing another one.
My mind won’t stop wandering.
I call the emergency line to my office. They call back quickly. She is kind. Says there a number of reasons I could be bleeding and it can be normal. She bled during all her pregnancies so she understands the paranoia. She has never had a miscarriage. Told me to watch it and what to go to the hospital for. I went to bed.
As I lay in bed, I can tell. This is really happening again.
Sunday morning, slight contractions began. It wasn’t nearly as extreme as it was with Conner and Elias, but it was much more than I had ever noticed with Hope, Jonah, and Shiloh. Bleeding was getting heavier.
I couldn’t believe how real it felt. I am having a baby. Much too early.
As the day progressed, the contractions were a little stronger, as was the bleeding. Laying around, trying to relax, the pain became strong. I felt a sharp pain and got up off the couch. It was around 2 pm. I looked at my husband as I got off the couch. Pain. A lot of pain.
As I sat on the toilet, plop. Something large (well larger than I had experienced before during a pregnancy) fell out. I jumped up before I began to pee. Something, a lot of something, was down there.
I yelled for James to bring me a long spoon and a disposable cup. Grace would not be flushed.
As I scooped up what had fallen out, I saw what appeared to be tissue. I knew this could be tested. There was also a large blood clot I believe.
I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had never seen this before. There it was. The sac. So small. The size of a grape.
Here is my Grace. She had just delivered. Far too soon.
Things were a blur. I think I was shaking. No doubt in my mind, this was my baby. Things were foggy and I was in a bit of a shock so I couldn’t see anything inside, but this was her sac for sure.
I placed everything gently in the cup and walked out of the bathroom carrying her. This time in my hands. Walking out in a daze, I asked James what I should do with her. We put the cup in a zip-lock bag and put her in the fridge. We have never had to do this before so we were clueless.
Everything was so real. I was in a bit of peaceful awe. I felt this delivery. Just as clearly as my natural birth with Elias. Wow. How amazing, yet sad. Despite the terrible situation, feeling the contractions, the delivery, holding my baby. This birth was so real. Tragic. But real.
The pain lessened quite a bit, but slight contractions still continued. Blood clots fell often and were rather big. This seemed like much more blood than before, but I think this pregnancy made it much further than the rest. This continued through Sunday and Monday. Tuesday didn’t seem as bad, but still quite a bit of blood.
Contractions started again, slightly, following my appointment Tuesday. This seemed rather odd to me since nothing should be left, but I carried on.
Late Tuesday night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and again, plop. Looking down, I was horrified. It was much larger and clearly not a blood clot. At first glance, there appeared to be a head and body. How could this be? This was much larger than the sac I had the other day, and the baby should be in the sac.
I rushed to get another spoon and cup and pull it out. As I pulled it out, shock is the only way to describe it. Horrifying. I was reminded of pictures I had seen of abortions. You know the ones? Where it doesn’t even look like a baby. I was shaking. Trembling. It was late. I was tired. I was exhausted. It had been a LONG, TOUGH several days.
I called to James to come and look. His opinions mean a lot to me and I wanted to know what he thought. He had been asleep so he was really out of it. He went to bed as I took this downstairs to put in the fridge.
The entire walk was a daze. A blur. Shaking. Trembling. Scared of the unknown. This was new to me. What was it? How could this be my baby? It was much larger and was so disfigured. Nothing like a baby with distinct features.
It was as if I was doing something wrong. I am not sure why, but I just felt sick. As if I had performed an abortion, or caused the death somehow. (No need to comment about how this is not my fault etc. etc. I know this. This is just me expressing my thoughts at the time.)
I cried as I slowly made my way up the stairs, into the room. James was waiting for me in bed. He knew I would need him now more than ever. I bawled as I told him how I felt and thinking of all the precious babies lost to abortions. He mentioned the thought that it was probably the lining from my uterus. Of course. WOW! It was large. My thoughts wandered to, “What if this has been some of the problem in the past?” (The nurse confirmed this was the lining)
I am no expert, so please don’t criticize my thoughts. These are the thoughts of a simple girl. A mom who longs for more children.
As I laid in bed, my body felt done. Relaxed. At ease. Finally. No more contractions. No more pain. Everything was passing as it should.
Wednesday morning I passed the last of the bigger clots.
Pregnancy is coming to end.