Again, I am brokenhearted. Today is 6 weeks and 1 day, and I have miscarried. Same week. Same day.
Being Thankful Thursday, I find it difficult to want to be thankful, yet also find myself thankful for many things.
Yesterday I began bleeding. I knew what this could mean since I had just had a miscarriage two months ago. Immediately my mind went to the worst. Last night it was next to impossible for me to stop crying. I bawled all the way to church. During church some. And then in bed.
This morning I woke up and found myself thankful for my two boys. The first miscarriage reminded me how blessed I am that I have children. The second miscarriage is showing me, more than ever, how miraculous it is that anyone of us are able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have healthy babies.
I naively took for granted an “easy” pregnancy with Conner. He was a surprise for us, but we were so happy! I remember thinking, “Some people would love to get pregnant, but are unable. I will never be disappointed by a pregnancy, even an unexpected positive!”
Wow! Looking back now I know how blessed we were to have that amazing surprise. He went a full 9 months. Water broke on due date. I am thankful.
Elias’ conception was more planned, so we weren’t surprised. He did surprise us though! About 3 1/2 months early, but he came out crying. I am thankful.
Hope. Our dear sweet Hope! She was another “surprise” pregnancy (we don’t do a lot to prevent since we want so many kids, so it really isn’t a huge surprise) and we were so very happy! We couldn’t wait to hold her and love on her. We lost Hope at 6 weeks and 1 day. Same as today. I am thankful for Hope.
This pregnancy was planned. I mean PLANNED. Those who know are sharing a laugh with me! I am a numbers person and thought it would be cool to have a 12/12/12 due date. I knew I was probably ovulating the night that this would be possible, and I made it happen ;-). Needless to say, it worked! I am thankful. I am thankful that I can conceive.
As today started, I began thinking of the few other reasons I could be bleeding. Fortunately, I had met with a set of midwives a week or two ago, so they already had all my information. I called them as soon as they opened and they told me I could come in to get checked.
Krystle went with me to the appointment, and Laurie (step-mom) offered to come over and take care of me and the boys for the next two days, so she stayed with them while I went to meet with the midwives. I was glad I didn’t have to go alone, or worry about the boys during the wait. I am thankful.
Not long into the appointment, as she was about to check me, she saw the blood and then found tissue. She told me I think you just miscarried the baby. She was able to collect the tissue to be tested. The baby hadn’t been growing for a week or two :(.
I was glad that I was there, with my super sweet midwife, and not in some dark, cold ER room. She was apologetic and you could truly see her heart was breaking with me. Much different from my last experience. I am thankful.
I was glad that I didn’t flush this poor sweet baby down the toilet. For those who don’t know, this early on it is very common to flush the tissue. It is often unrecognizable, and next to impossible to catch the baby, especially if the baby has fully formed correctly. I am thankful that they handled him with care, and can do tests to determine causes or abnormalities.
So now what? Well honestly, even though I am so very thankful, I don’t feel thankful right now. I feel scared, angry, sad, depressed, worried, lonely, loved, confused, shocked. I feel nothing and everything.
It is difficult to explain how I feel right now. I can’t stop crying, and I feel all cried out. I want to get pregnant again soon, and I never want to get pregnant again. I worry I will never get over this, and I know “this too shall pass.”
I am feeling selfish. I want to lay in my bed. All alone. I want to sleep. Sleep???!!! I want to watch chick flicks. I want to watch movies my husband won’t watch with me. I want to blog. I want to hug my kids, but not take care of them right now. I want to finally take this old toenail polish off, and put new polish on. I want to be selfish! I don’t think that is too much to ask for right now, and thankfully neither do my family and friends. They are taking care of my kids and I am laying in bed.
Don’t worry, I won’t be in here forever. I just need a few days. I want to mourn the loss of this little boy (I’ve felt it was a boy from the beginning!) and rest. I am thankful, but in my own way.
Want to say something? Check out my “What Should I Say” post.