During and Post Miscarriage with Jonah

I feel empty. I feel gross, and saddened.

You see, this gross is a different kind of gross. It is not just a gross like you’re on your cycle, you are literally bleeding the death of your poor baby. It’s like this weird way your body cries with you, and yet it makes you feel miserable.

Last time I miscarried, I didn’t bleed as much, and I had very little pain. I know this may seem strange, but I hated that. I felt like my poor baby lost her life, so I should have to suffer some.

This time I bled much more and was in more pain. It was not as intense as it would be if I were further along, but was more intense than last time.

I can’t get over how empty I feel. There was precious life inside me, and now there is nothing.

I loved this baby so much! I was so excited for my sweet December baby who we have named Jonah.

I don’t know why God is not saving my babies. 2012 has been a hard year so far, but I look forward to what God is doing in our family. He has big things in store for us, and I know we will grow stronger because of this.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I feel loved because I know my friends and family are heartbroken with me.

You will never know how much your words mean to me. Your texts. Your notes. Your love.

Last night was hard. I didn’t sleep much. I was a mom sandwich for some of the night! Which is exactly what I needed; both boys snuggled right on each side of me! But the remaining time, I thought of how two more children should be snuggled with us. I was sad at thoughts of Hope and Jonah. I was in pain and felt as though I was truly experiencing Jonah’s loss. It was hard.

So now what? I feel like God wants me to remember me and what He wants to do with ME! What do I NEED that maybe I am forgetting or putting off? Time for myself. Time to workout. Time to be alone. Time to read… WAIT… What?!?! <You don’t read!> Yup! I want to read! Time for chick flicks. Time to be healthy. Time to dream. Time for me. Time for me and God.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to get pregnant again. I desperately want that! I just want God’s plan for my life and I want to lead my best life possible. God wants to use ME, as me!

God, please use me! I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know the purpose in losing two babies. I don’t know where you are leading us, but I know you are with us every step of the way. I may be angry with you at times, but thank you for not leaving me.

Thank you for trusting me with the two precious boys I have. Thank you for the most amazing husband. He is strong for me when I cannot be. He keeps things going when I fall a part. He is such an amazing rock. Thank you for my family! I am so blessed.

I may be angry for what you have allowed to be taken, but I am thankful beyond words for what you have allowed me to have! Wow! What an awesome life I have, and an awesome life to come. God, continue to use me! Continue to use my family. Amen”

In my sadness and emptiness, I’m feeling strangely good right now. At peace. It’s odd. Maybe it’s just for a short time. I just feel like it’s ok. God has a plan and I look forward to that plan. My heart is broken yet I know everything is ok. Right now I will be still and wait.

Do you understand this feeling?

Miscarriage: A Death in the Family

Read Miscarriage: The Pregnancy

February 7, 2012… the day my sweet Hope went to be with our Lord and Savior.

I was 6 weeks and a day.

Unfortunately, many people would not define this as a baby yet. How sad! To them, only a fetus. “Oh good, at least your weren’t very far along.” “At least you didn’t “plan” for this baby.” “At least you already have two children.” “Don’t worry, you can try again soon.”

These are some sayings I’ve heard, or read that others have heard in reaction to hearing of their news. I even wrote a post about What I Should Say in response to people going through difficult times such as these.

It breaks my heart that miscarriages seem so common that people do not regard them as a true death in the family. Even some women who have experienced the loss make light of it or sigh with relief, while others cry alone in pain thinking they are silly since “I wasn’t that far along.”

I “held” that baby! To me, I was now a mom to three! From the moment I had the thought I was pregnant, to the positive test confirming, I imagined that baby in our life. Doesn’t that make it real? Was that not a baby? If you are pro-life, then you should be yelling “yes!!”  So if it was a baby and a life, then the loss is a death. We make a big deal to riot anti-abortion because that fetus is a baby and a life, but yet we don’t mourn and truly grieve with the family that suffers a miscarriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are many out there who understand this is a painful time, but do we treat it as a true death? So what does that even mean? I have no idea. I have been struggling with this thought and many others.

What do I say when I talk about how many kids I have? Can I count this baby? If I don’t, isn’t that the same as acting like it didn’t even happen? So then how do I say it without having to explain everything, every time?

How long is ok to grieve? Will I ever really stop grieving? What if I do “stop” grieving? Does that mean I forgot about this dear sweet baby?

What can I do to remember this baby? To honor this life? To celebrate the gift of this baby, even if it was for such a short time?

Are my friends and family grieving for this baby too? Does it hurt them, too, knowing that this baby would have been a part of their lives too?

Will I see my baby again? What will she (we just felt like this baby was a girl… and really, why argue with us?) look like when we meet her in Heaven?

We prayed for this baby and that God would save her life. Why didn’t You save her, God? Why even allow me to get pregnant if this was going to happen? Did you not see us cry out? Did we do something to deserve this? We would have loved this baby and cared for her so much.

Why didn’t it hurt more? My poor baby lost her life and I didn’t hurt or bleed enough.

Just for the record… I am not looking for you to comment on this blog with answers. I am simply expressing my heart and telling you my thoughts over the last couple of weeks.

Some of these questions do have answers, while others are simply a part of the grieving process. We all have some of these exact same questions when we lose anyone in our life, or when we are going through a hard time. And that is OK!!! We all need to grieve. We all go through the steps of grieving… so don’t judge me for doubting, being angry, frustrated, sad, for not trusting.

Read Miscarriage: Looking for Answers… (again, I am not looking for your to answer my questions. Thank you.)