The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 2

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Did you read The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 1?

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

They finally call us back.

Nurse Candy came to get me. She took my weight, up 10 pounds from my wedding day weight. I’m not surprised since the move was time consuming and stressful, I haven’t worked out since I packed everything in storage (I know that’s a lame excuse), and 5 of those have just been in the last 3 weeks since the miscarriage. I’m not intentionally eating and drinking my sorrows away, but I think sonic half price shakes and cherry cokes have been some of my comfort. Even writing that makes me want to run out and get one.

She took my vitals and asked what was going on. I told her I’ve had four miscarriages since the birth of my second son.

Candy was super encouraging. She said she felt good that the insurance would pay since it is to find out what is wrong and not fertility treatments to get me pregnant. She also encouraged us that Dr. DeLeon is really good at doing the right tests to find out what is wrong.

Once she left us, the real waiting game started. We probably waited a good 45 minutes before the doctor came in.

Good thing I brought my live, one man comedian! My husband is so cheesy but I should admit his sense of humor won my heart! We had some special sweet teases. Maybe some out of awkwardness from having to come see a infertility specialist and not knowing what to expect. Nonetheless, it was nice to have a few minutes to talk and laugh just the two of us. I tried to talk to him about a blog series I want to start soon, but that was almost pointless :-). His attention span is less than a 6 week old puppy. I’m not much better so this always makes for a good time.

Anyways, now to what you care about. The doctor took us out of the room and into his office. He told us about the three different tests we can do: 1. Genetic testing 2. Autoimmune 3. And suddenly we don’t remember this one 😉 but we think something to do with progesterone.

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He said with me miscarrying so early he highly doubted the autoimmune test would come back negative. That seemed like a good thing because he talked like that was a lot harder to take care of.

He did prepare us that we may get lots of negatives at first and it will be frustrating because we want answers, but he encouraged us too. He said since we have two kids already that odds are in our favor we will be successful again!! And I was clearly fertile so that was good too!

We have to wait until 6 weeks after the miscarriage before we do the tests because if I still show up positive it could mess up the results. Then 2-3 weeks for results to come in.

So now we wait again. Wait to see what the insurance will cover. Wait until I’m for sure no longer pregnant. And then wait until the testing can be done and results can come in.

I knew today wouldn’t be the end. I knew we wouldn’t walk away with answers. I had hoped to go ahead and do some testing but what’s the hurry now I guess.

I did go over to the other office to see if they wanted to take another test to check my HCG levels. They asked me to wait while they went to ask. Catheline, my favorite midwife at the clinic, and who I’ve seen many times before but was out of town when I miscarried, came into their office. I hear her asking, “Where is Tiffany?!” I stood up. She looked at me and you could tell, she was heartbroken for me. She sympathized with me. I walked over and she immediately said she was so sorry. She made me feel so important and special. Like I was the only person that mattered in that office. She told me she wanted to test me today and also get a follow up appointment set up with me. I felt so important to her.

As we walked out into the parking lot, I told James, how easy it was for her to make me feel so special. We spend so much time wondering how to make a difference in people’s lives. All she did was look at me with kindness. With a look that she truly cared. She focused only on me and no one else for just a few short moments. She took time out of her busy schedule to stop, find me, and tell me she was so sorry. How can we make people around us feel this special?

Anyways, I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for joining along with me.

Have you had to be tested for any of these things?

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The Long Awaited Infertility Appointment: Part 1

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June 17th is finally here. My appointment with the infertility doctor is today.

I kept myself busy as I waited for my husband to get home to go with me. Decided we needed to clean out some clothes!

What will he say? Will he give me hope or discouraging news? Will we just talk or will he do some testing?

Cannot wait to find some answers.

We take the long walk down the hall. I tell my husband it’s so nice to not be doing this walk alone as I have the last (at least) three times. His busy schedule makes it difficult to attend with me. This appointment was set up with his schedule in mind.

Out the elevator and through the open entry way. Yup. No door. Fun. You get to sit in the infertility waiting room, right by the elevators, with nothing hiding you. AND… a perfect view to the door where all the pregnant and new moms are coming in and out.

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We sign in. Already discouraging news. The receptionist tells me my insurance may not cover some of this. She tells us let’s wait and see what the doctor wants us to have tested and go from there.

We sit down.

Now we are waiting with another couple and woman. No one looks happy. Everyone has a look full of questions and no answers. A couple leaves with the look of how I feel. Will we ever have another baby.

Moms with multiple kids come off and on the elevator. Pregnant women anxiously going to their appointments. I watch as the door to my other office constantly opens as happy moms leave into bliss. All full of smiles.

We wait…

Touchy Topic: Training Children in Worship

child praying

Photo Source

I am so excited about today’s guest post. This topic has been on my mind for a few years and I am so glad Candace agreed to write it for me. Thanks Candace! 

Guest post from Candace at Sacred Mommyhood

After posting the article, Dear Parents with Young Children in Church, to my Facebook page, there was some discussion as to how to begin training your little ones to sit still during a worship service.  There was also some discussion about children’s church, and how that may be more age appropriate and beneficial for young ones.

There is not much more I can add to encourage parents to include their children in worship, as the author did a beautiful job explaining the importance of having your children in the worship service, and encouraging moms who are already doing this.

I would only add that by including our young children in worship, we’re setting the tone for life-long worshiping.  Google “statistics of young adults leaving the church”, and you’ll get article after article citing statistics as high as 91%, with many differing opinions as to why they are leaving.  My personal theory is this:  If we’re continually keeping them out of worship through infancy, adolescence, and teen years, why would we expect them in worship service when they’re adults.  We’ve already sent the message that a worship service is not important, or just boring at best.  After all, they’ve had “fun” all these years in nursery, Sunday school, and youth group.  We must remember that worship is not about us!  It’s about HIM!

In addition, families should worship together.  There is no biblical model where families separated into age-segregated groups to learn how to worship.  It was learned by being present.  So often, family members are going in all different directions throughout the week.  Then on Sunday, the children are placed in the nursery or sent off to children’s church, separating the family again.  With the cultural breakdown in families today, I can’t think of a more meaningful way to bind the family unit than to share in worship, together.

I am in no way saying that children’s church, nursery, or any other age-segregated group activity is wrong.  My heart feels for the tired, weary momma who just needs to worship and not train.  I’ve been there!  I just feel strongly that we’re sending a counter-productive message to our children about worship when Sunday after Sunday we’re ushering them out of it.  But this is definitely something each family has to think and pray about on their own.  And I know many churches these days are quite hostile to small children in service, making this decision even more difficult.

So for those of you considering including your small children in the worship service, here are some tips to help you in the training process.

You  Are Training

This is the most important aspect to keep in mind.  It is so easy to get frazzled and discouraged when your little ones are learning to sit still quietly.  Your Sundays will most likely feel like a chore rather than worship, but even this is an offer of worship to God.  Investing this time into your children is a sacrifice of praise!  This has been my life for many years!  I am perpetually in “training” mode.  But I’ve had the joy of seeing fruit.  My little ones can sit through an hour and a half service without being a distraction.

Try a Booster Seat

This may be more difficult in a pew seating arrangement (no place to secure the straps), but if your church seating consists of chairs, bring a booster seat for your older babies and toddlers.  Not only does this help them to stay put, it provides a flat surface (tray) on which to draw or rest books.  It’s also perfect for giving them Cheerios (or other snacks) to keep hunger at bay.

Provide Books, Crayons, and Paper

I know some families who feel strongly about not giving their children anything during worship, and prefer to train them without things to keep them busy.  I respect that and understand that each family will need to approach this according to their standards.

We, however, don’t have a problem with allowing our little ones to look at books or doodle while learning to be still and quiet.  Kids absorb more than we think when their little hands are busy.

Our church floor is hardwood, so we try to be selective about what we give them.  We only give our toddlers soft books since they tend to drop them more often.  And crayons make less noise on a hard surface than pens and pencils do.  So just be aware of those potential noisemakers.

Be Courteous to Those Around You

We attend a family integrated church, so all our children are with us through service.  We all expect a certain amount of noise every now and then…a baby getting fussy, something dropping, or the low murmur of a child asking mom or dad a question.  These types of noises are not distracting to us.  In fact, our pastor loves those sounds.  He understands the importance of children being present from the beginning and welcomes those sweet sounds.

But obviously, there is a point when noise will become distracting, so try to be aware of those around you and quickly remove a crying baby or noisy toddler.

If you do not attend a church where children are welcome in the worship service, you may need to be a little more vigilant when it comes to noise, but don’t let that deter you.  Try to sit closer to an exit so that you can get out quickly if necessary without distracting others.

Start Small

If you are pulling your child(ren) out of nursery or children’s church, ease them into worship service.  If you’re concerned about the length of your service, try starting with smaller chunks of time.  Twenty to thirty minutes may be all you and the child can handle at first.  Each Sunday, add five minutes or so according to the child’s ability.  If it’s an older child who has really loved children’s church, and is upset about missing out, perhaps allowing them to attend one Children’s Church a month would help ease the transition.

A Word on Babies in Worship

I have had a baby in my lap during service for the past twelve years.  Of course, I’ve had the help of my husband and older children, but essentially, my babies are with me.  I’ll often glance around while the congregation is singing, and notice the moms with babies on one hip and the hymnal in their opposite hand, and it makes me smile.  Not because I think they’re better for keeping their babies with them, or because they look cute.  But because they’re making a sacrifice.  They’re forgoing a little freedom and ease to instill something bigger from the very beginning.

Babies hear the sounds and take in the sights of “church”.  As they grow, so does their understanding of what’s happening around them.  Those babies grow into toddlers, who in most cases, already have an inherent knowledge of what to do.  It’s been modeled for them since birth!  They can sit through worship, and for the most part, be quiet.  I have seen this in my own children and those around me.  Are they perfect?  Of course not.  Do they require discipline from time to time.  Absolutely!  But the transition is much smoother than that of a toddler who has been used to happily and noisily playing in the nursery.

So whether you’re contemplating bringing your children into worship service with you, or you’re just getting started, I hope you have found encouragement here.  I understand that this can certainly be a touchy issue within the church body, but one that I pray would never cause division among believers.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs
the kingdom of heaven.”  Matthew 19:14

Touchy Topic: Seeing Children as a Blessing, Even in Sunday Service

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For a while now, I’ve gone back and forth on bringing my children into church service with me. James and I have discussed it and see pros and cons for both. My husband is the Discipleship and Outreach Pastor at our church, and I’m the business administrator. We are heavily involved in our church and in the service, which makes it easier to use the nursery and children’s church.

Many people encouraged us to take the kids to the children’s church.

“It gives you a break.
You are then free to worship without worrying about your kids.
The kids are presented with the gospel on their level.
Children cannot sit still and stay quiet.”

Obviously, these are all assuming the church has a children’s service offered. Each of these reasons, at one point or another, have been the very reason we have kept our kids in children’s church and we have worshiped without them.

Others have encouraged us to bring them in with us.

“This will teach your children how to worship by watching you.
Children need to learn to sit still and be quiet.
Children are a joy and blessing. They should be with their parents to learn.”

These are the reasons I’ve thought hard about bringing them in the service with us. I’ve also read about children leaving the church when they go off to college and the links between that and children being out of the main service. Also, I am called to teach and train them in the way should go! I AM! Not anyone else. Me!

Now before you yell at me, I don’t think this means we cannot use the help of other people to teach and train our children… sometimes, BUT it is our responsibility to make sure they are taught and trained correctly. Anyways…

I long to see my children as a joy and blessing, always! Can I be honest? Do I always see them as a joy and a blessing? No 😦 But can I be honest again? Looking around at our society and the MANY influences we have around us, it’s not hard to see why this is even more difficult.

Being a mom is hard! It’s not for the faint at heart. But you know what isn’t helping? Facebook sayings like, “I’ve always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. Without kids.” And I saw this in a mom’s group!!!!! What?!? We can also see it all over our movies and television shows.

“Ugh! It’s summer. I hate having to be with my kids all summer?!
When are the kids finally going back to school?!?”

Wow… I am getting way off topic :).

Focus!

We have gone back and forth on what is right for our family. OUR family!

Do I think you should take your kids out of nursery and children’s church? Your call, not mine. Do I think the nursery and children’s church are bad for our kids? Absolutely NOT!

I have decided I want to bring my kids in more. We have Sunday School, Sunday Morning Service, occasional home groups with children’s service offered, and a Wednesday night service. They are getting PLENTY of opportunities to fellowship with other children, and to hear God’s Word on their level.

My first Sunday was on June 2, 2013.

The night before, I went to the dollar store and bought them some fun goodies for the service. I knew this would be important, especially in the transition from the nursery to the main service.

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Then I let Conner pack up his and Elias’ backpacks. I wanted to pump him up and get him excited about coming into service with us. He was so excited about his new backpack and could not wait to go into service so he could play with his new stuff.

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Now, overall this is not my goal; for him to just want to play, but I know it will help the process.

So, the first Sunday, I took them out of the nursery after Sunday school. We went into praise and worship and I immediately gave them their backpacks. They stayed 25 minutes during praise and worship with me, by myself!!! My husband was busy doing church business. Conner was on the floor coloring and Elias was in chair and my arms and did well

overall.

I did have a teaching moment too!!! Conner was standing by me at one point, and said, “Mom do like this” and bowed his head. I said, “You know what’s great about praising and worshiping God? You can do it all kinds of ways. Bowing your head, lifting your eyes, lifting your hands, singing etc.” He got so excited and smiled! Great start I’d say!!!

This last Sunday was our second week. My goal was to not give them their backpacks until after praise and worship time. My sweet husband also adjusted his schedule so he could be in there with us more. Not the whole time, but more.

Praise and worship was a mixture of kids in mine or my husband’s arms, standing in the windows swaying, or spinning around next to the chairs. We are a work in progress. I also did my best to explain to Conner that he can dance but this time is for Jesus so that is our focus.

After praise and worship, during announcements, we got the backpacks out. Elias sat in the window with his Bible (see picture above). Conner asked another awesome question! They were announcing a Missions’ Trip our church is taking in the Fall. Conner said, “I don’t know why we do this.” WHAT?! I am not fully sure he knew what he was asking, but I LOVED that he was paying attention enough to ask such an inquisitive question! AND, had he not been in service, we wouldn’t have had this amazing conversation! Another plus to kids in service.

I explained to him how important it is for us, as Christians, to help others in need, and to share the Gospel with everyone. He thought this was so cool and seemed to understand. James is hoping to take this trip if he can get off work. How great will it be if James can go and we can teach the boys how important this is?!

The boys made it through announcements and then I took them back to the nursery. 50 minutes this time!! Twice as long as last week! We probably could have made it longer, but it is new for me too and I could tell I needed to stop in order to not lose my patience. They did great, but we were starting to make a little more noise and get antsy, and service was about to start.

I look forward to continuing this journey and sharing with you how we are learning to make it work for our family. Tomorrow, I am excited to have a guest post on this discussion from Candace at Sacred Mommyhood!!

What do you think about having children in service?

A Peace That Passeth All Understanding

River Seridó

Philippians 4:7 (KJV)
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7 (NIV)
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

How often have you heard people say, or maybe you have said yourself, “I will pray for a peace that passeth all understanding?” A common saying for those dealing with a major loss, but do we really understand what we are saying?

 

Maybe you understood this verse long ago, and you say it and know exactly what it means, but I have never truly thought about it. Aside from that, I had never really experienced it that I can remember.

 

Last year, when we lost Hope, my heart broke. My world was turned upside down. Although I knew it was something that could happen, I assumed it wouldn’t happen to us. I had a peace. A peace that I didn’t understand. How could I be at peace? I wanted this baby so very much. My heart was breaking and I was devastated. Yet peace.

 

The Holy Spirit covered me. I knew I would have a baby again, but Hope was not to be. I will see her again one day.

 

As I continued on to miscarry three more babies, I fought anger, sadness, depression, and yet still a strange peace. A peace that God was with me. A peace that He would give us another baby. A peace that everything was going to be alright. A peace that I didn’t understand.

 

Many have asked and been surprised I haven’t been angry at God. I have found myself angry, but rarely, if ever, at God. Angry at my body, myself, and other silly things. But why? It only made me stronger and more determined. It only drew me closer to God, seeking Him more and His will for our family. He gave me peace. A peace I can not understand. When I feel like I should be falling a part, but instead I have peace. Trusting in Him and what He has for our family.

 

Now when I see someone falling a part. Maybe they just lost someone, or they seem to be going through something very difficult on them, I truly pray for a peace. A peace that passeth all understanding.

 

Think about that.

 

Really.

 

Ponder what that peace is like.

 

In the midst of pain, suffering, sorrow. Peace. Stillness. Trust.

 

Are you going through a tough time? A time that seems like too much? Overwhelmed? Exhausted? Stressed? Heartbroken? Confused? Dealing with a loss? I pray that you too will experience the peace. The peace that passeth all understanding. That goes beyond anything you can fathom. A peace that only the Holy Spirit can give.

 

Have you felt this kind of peace before? Would love for you to share your story with us.

 

Grace’s Birth Story: WARNING a Miscarriage

WARNING: This was difficult to live through and it may be hard to read. Proceed with caution.

Saturday night, May 25th, is when the blood started to appear. Just as it has every other time.

As always, I freak out. Pray. Calm down. This is normal. I am sure there is a simple explanation. Pray. OH MY GOSH! IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN. Pray. No it’s not. Trust God. Lots of people bleed during their pregnancy and have babies. Pray. I’m losing another one.

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER and

OVER AGAIN!!!

My mind won’t stop wandering.

I call the emergency line to my office. They call back quickly. She is kind. Says there a number of reasons I could be bleeding and it can be normal. She bled during all her pregnancies so she understands the paranoia. She has never had a miscarriage. Told me to watch it and what to go to the hospital for. I went to bed.

As I lay in bed, I can tell. This is really happening again.

Sunday morning, slight contractions began. It wasn’t nearly as extreme as it was with Conner and Elias, but it was much more than I had ever noticed with Hope, Jonah, and Shiloh. Bleeding was getting heavier.

I couldn’t believe how real it felt. I am having a baby. Much too early.

As the day progressed, the contractions were a little stronger, as was the bleeding. Laying around, trying to relax, the pain became strong. I felt a sharp pain and got up off the couch. It was around 2 pm. I looked at my husband as I got off the couch. Pain. A lot of pain.

As I sat on the toilet, plop. Something large (well larger than I had experienced before during a pregnancy) fell out. I jumped up before I began to pee. Something, a lot of something, was down there.

I yelled for James to bring me a long spoon and a disposable cup. Grace would not be flushed.

As I scooped up what had fallen out, I saw what appeared to be tissue. I knew this could be tested. There was also a large blood clot I believe.

And then.

I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had never seen this before. There it was. The sac. So small. The size of a grape.

Here is my Grace. She had just delivered. Far too soon.

Things were a blur. I think I was shaking. No doubt in my mind, this was my baby. Things were foggy and I was in a bit of a shock so I couldn’t see anything inside, but this was her sac for sure.

I placed everything gently in the cup and walked out of the bathroom carrying her. This time in my hands. Walking out in a daze, I asked James what I should do with her. We put the cup in a zip-lock bag and put her in the fridge. We have never had to do this before so we were clueless.

Everything was so real. I was in a bit of peaceful awe. I felt this delivery. Just as clearly as my natural birth with Elias. Wow. How amazing, yet sad. Despite the terrible situation, feeling the contractions, the delivery, holding my baby. This birth was so real. Tragic. But real.

The pain lessened quite a bit, but slight contractions still continued. Blood clots fell often and were rather big. This seemed like much more blood than before, but I think this pregnancy made it much further than the rest. This continued through Sunday and Monday. Tuesday didn’t seem as bad, but still quite a bit of blood.

Contractions started again, slightly, following my appointment Tuesday. This seemed rather odd to me since nothing should be left, but I carried on.

Late Tuesday night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and again, plop. Looking down, I was horrified. It was much larger and clearly not a blood clot. At first glance, there appeared to be a head and body. How could this be? This was much larger than the sac I had the other day, and the baby should be in the sac.

I rushed to get another spoon and cup and pull it out. As I pulled it out, shock is the only way to describe it. Horrifying. I was reminded of pictures I had seen of abortions. You know the ones? Where it doesn’t even look like a baby. I was shaking. Trembling. It was late. I was tired. I was exhausted. It had been a LONG, TOUGH several days.

I called to James to come and look. His opinions mean a lot to me and I wanted to know what he thought. He had been asleep so he was really out of it. He went to bed as I took this downstairs to put in the fridge.

The entire walk was a daze. A blur. Shaking. Trembling. Scared of the unknown. This was new to me. What was it? How could this be my baby? It was much larger and was so disfigured. Nothing like a baby with distinct features.

It was as if I was doing something wrong. I am not sure why, but I just felt sick. As if I had performed an abortion, or caused the death somehow. (No need to comment about how this is not my fault etc. etc. I know this. This is just me expressing my thoughts at the time.)

I cried as I slowly made my way up the stairs, into the room. James was waiting for me in bed. He knew I would need him now more than ever. I bawled as I told him how I felt and thinking of all the precious babies lost to abortions. He mentioned the thought that it was probably the lining from my uterus. Of course. WOW! It was large. My thoughts wandered to, “What if this has been some of the problem in the past?” (The nurse confirmed this was the lining)

I am no expert, so please don’t criticize my thoughts. These are the thoughts of a simple girl. A mom who longs for more children.

As I laid in bed, my body felt done. Relaxed. At ease. Finally. No more contractions. No more pain. Everything was passing as it should.

Wednesday morning I passed the last of the bigger clots.

Pregnancy is coming to end.

Followup Results: Miscarriage Ultrasound

Have you read I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages or Dropping Off Grace: Miscarriage Follow Up?

Leaving the appointment Tuesday, I made my way down the long hall. Music was playing. Reminded me of funeral music. Kind of appropriate I guess.

As I left the office Tuesday, they told me they would call tomorrow after my ultrasound to tell me the results of everything.

Fortunately, James had the day off but he stayed in the van with the boys. Coming out of the appointment all my boys were surprisingly in the lobby. They had to go potty. It was so nice to see them!

I carried on with my day after my appointment Wednesday, but I was waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.

It didn’t.

The nurse FINALLY called today with my results. HCG levels are now at 690 and progesterone at 10.4 (I was still on the pills). My sonogram pictures came back good… as in everything has come out and the lining looks good and thin. They did notice a lot of blood clots so she told me to expect a lot more and take it easy.

I’m exhausted. Understandably.

P question

I feel drained, and I’m sure the fact that I am literally draining has a lot to do with it.

Most people won’t understand, but I do feel this is a good thing. Much more has come out now than ever before. This can be good if some of what is coming out has needed to come out for a while. Also, I believe this pregnancy made it further and better than the others, so I think we are making at least some good progress.

I am looking forward to our appointment in a few weeks and finding some answers.

God is with me. He is my strength, and my wonderful husband and two beautiful boys my medicine.

Dropping Grace Off: Miscarriage Follow Up

Day after a Holiday. Busy.

It took me forever to get an appointment in to see someone after my miscarriage. They were booked being the day after Memorial Day. Fortunately, they had a cancellation and called to tell me to come in a 2:45.

The day seemed to drag on F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

Wondering. Is there a twin? Could I still be pregnant? After each miscarriage, I always wonder, pray and hope for life still.

This time I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I had miscarried. I will write her delivery story later (WARNING: this will be a tough post, but it was so real to me I felt I would share). I have lost my poor Grace. Conner and Elias just knew this was their baby sister.

I held her. Inside and out. I was so relieved to not flush her away. Maybe they can do some test and see if they can find out what is going on.

This appointment would be different. James was with me as we found out Hope was gone. My sweet friend Krystle, aka Bo, was with me just as I lost Jonah at my appointment.

Both are working today. Thankfully my step-mom, Laurie, could watch the boys.

I must go alone.

Alone.

Alone to find out what I knew to be true. My baby is gone.

As the day carried on, thoughts filled my head. The Holy Spirit calmed my heart and reminded me He is still with me. I am strong because He is my strength.

I cried and prayed the whole drive.

God, I don’t understand why you keep giving me these babies and then not allowing me to keep them. BUT I continue to trust in Your plan.

I would love to still have life in me. PLEASE! But I know Grace is gone. Take care of my sweet babies. I miss them all so much. My heart longs for more babies. More babies to teach and train to love You.

Teach and train me to be the mom You want me to be. Thank You for blessing me with my two boys, Conner and Elias. They bring me such joy. Thank You for these moments to remind me to not take for granted what I do have.

God, I don’t know what to pray for. Grace is gone. I can no longer pray to keep her. I want you to have control of my family and how many children I have, but my husband is worried. He doesn’t like seeing me go through this. And I cannot imagine how hard it is on him. I don’t want to control this situation. Help me. Help us. Let them find answers with simple solutions.

Hold my hand today. Carry me in. I don’t have the strength to walk the halls alone.

I arrived. Picked up sweet Grace and placed her gently in my bag. (Don’t worry. She was in a cup in a zip-lock bag. Not how I wanted to carry her.)

We walked through the halls again, as we did last week. I spoke to her again. This time through tears and heartbreak that this was our last walk together. After this point I would only carry her in my heart.

Deep breath. Prepare yourself. There will be a lot of pregnant women, or newborn babies.

Opened door and went straight to the desk to sign in. I must have had heartbreak all over my face. I asked to go to the bathroom, and I was so relieved when someone was waiting for me when I came out.

WHEW! No waiting room full of pregnant women and babies.

I tried to stay strong but broke down a lot. They spoke with me and tried to set up an ultrasound to see if everything was gone. Couldn’t do it today so I go in tomorrow at 1.

They took sweet Grace to test her. <kisses> I will love you no less.

They took more blood to test my levels and set me up to see an fertility specialist they work with.

WAIT. WHAT? INFERTILITY? How in the world? Did you know that if you have multiple miscarriages, even though you are clearly able to get pregnant, you are considered infertile? Wow. After two kids, I never thought this would be a label added to me.

No new answers. Guess I knew I wouldn’t know much today, other than everything was gone now, but I will know that tomorrow.

This is a tough road I am on. To find more answers.

English: Rough Road

I am encouraged by a wonderful friend, Betty Winford, CNM. She was my midwife with Conner. Back before I became high-risk. She mentioned a few things to test for, and many have some easy fixes.

So to those who think: Are you done trying for more now? Are you going to stop now? You need to have more time to heal. And the list goes ON and ON and ON… God is taking care of us. We are doing what we need to do and we are talking to the One who matters most.

Please join me as I search for answers. I will blog my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and I know there are people like me, searching for others who understand. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts.

Will you join me? What is your story? Are you joining to understand because you have never experienced, or maybe you know someone who has? Are you joining because you too have gone through a loss? Share your heaven babies with us if you feel comfortable enough.

I.AM.TheBoyWhoCriedWolf: Multiple Miscarriages

Written Sunday, May 26, 2013:

Yup. That’s me. The boy who cried wolf.

You know? The woman who keeps telling everyone she is pregnant. After three miscarriages, I wonder, should I tell anyone? Even my husband. But I think, I must get everyone praying for me and this baby immediately.

I was surprised so many I told looked at me with excitement. I feared telling people, knowing that many would think I was crazy. Many would wonder why I bothered telling anyone. Why wouldn’t I wait until I knew this baby would last? I HATE THAT!

This baby is MY BABY! I was excited for the day I would hold this baby. I couldn’t sit around moping and assuming it was not meant to be. When would God take this one too? I have to be excited for this baby. I owe it to him.

I struggled with this, but with a SUPER BOLD positive line, how could I not be hopeful? Even Conner’s pregnancy test was very faint. Hope, my first miscarriage, took forever to get a positive test. And even then, it was so faint. In addition to the very obvious positive test, I also had a lot of family and friends praying and believing.

My first miscarriage I wrote off as the “one” I knew I’d probably have. Then I lost Jonah. WHAT?!?! But how could I possibly have TWO miscarriages in a row?!?!

Then there was Shiloh. My dear sweet Shiloh. I haven’t even written about him. My heart was too broken. I had a very faint positive test that Wednesday, that my husband didn’t accept since it was so faint. Friday I made him get me one that said Pregnant or Not Pregnant and it was clear: PREGNANT!!!

We had some good friends coming over that night and I took the test as they were arriving. ALL but one person there was pregnant. THREE of my close friends all pregnant and at my house as I found out! Of course I was going to tell them in my excitement!!

There was NO WAY I would have three miscarriages in a row. All tests they had done after Jonah seemed to come back fine. It was just a fluke to have two in a row. I am not one of those women who has multiple miscarriages! I am the woman who is going to have lots of children!

That night, as we were playing games with our friends, it started. I could feel it. It was so early, and I was already losing him. I was in true shock and disbelief. My friends prayed with us and cried with us, and left so I could rest.

With each of these we cried and prayed and begged God to let us keep this one. Friends would encourage us with stories of how they bled during their pregnancy and still had a healthy baby. Stories of fasting and praying to God to let them keep this baby. I held on to those stories and my prayers in hope each of these babies would pull through, but then I still lost the baby.

After Shiloh, I knew once I did become pregnant I would need to find out quick because they wanted to start me on Progesterone immediately. This would be God’s answer to our prayers. The help my body needs.

Then, on May 10, 2013, it dawned on me, I think I should have started by now. I could feel the excitement stirring in me to be pregnant again! My heart longs for more babies. I took a test May 11, 2013 morning and there it was!! A BRIGHT BOLD line. IMMEDIATELY! I couldn’t believe how bold the line was and so quick. I have never had a test so obvious!

Immediately, I wanted close friends and family to know and PRAY! I felt such confidence that I would hold this baby in January 2014! Most were excited with me, but I could see in some faces, and even in their voices, they were not going to be too quick to be excited. I understood. I’ve cried wolf so much, why believe me? But I cannot live my life like this.

They started me on Progesterone and then I went in on Wednesday, May 22nd for blood work. This was 6 weeks for me. As I made the walk through the halls, the same halls I walked as I was losing Jonah, I smiled. I talked to my baby about how we would walk these halls many times together. This time would be different. My symptoms were already so strong.

Both Hope and Jonah were lost on 6 weeks and 1 day. I knew this day would be hard. I woke up around 3 am with an upset stomach and some spotting. I freaked out, bawled, and prayed. Begging God to let me keep this one.

The nurse called that day with my numbers. HCG 3614 and progesterone 14.6. They were good, but they wanted to check them again the next Tuesday. I calmed down and trusted in God’s ability.

Then last night happened. Saturday evening on the 25th. I had been spotting brown all day. This worried me because this was how it all started. Then came the red. Slowly, but started coming quicker. My heart broke into pieces. REALLY!?! AGAIN!!!

Now I sit here. In numbness. As I feel my body aching and “crying” out again. I can feel the ever so slight contractions. Nothing like full term labor. The pain of knowing no matter how hard I squeeze, I cannot stop what is happening. Praying. Crying. Begging. Reading God’s Word.

I will go in Tuesday to be checked and start talking about further tests. There is something going on here. I read only 1% of women have three or more miscarriages. Wow! When did I become that statistic?! I have two sons. I am blessed, but how in the world did they come, yet I cannot seem to have another?

Until then, my emotions will bounce. Despair. Heartache. Peace. Love. Hope. Hopelessness. Calmness. Anger. And the list goes on and on. I pray my baby is still there, but for now everything seems just as it has before. I have been here and here I am again.

Want to know What Should I Say?

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