During and Post Miscarriage with Jonah

I feel empty. I feel gross, and saddened.

You see, this gross is a different kind of gross. It is not just a gross like you’re on your cycle, you are literally bleeding the death of your poor baby. It’s like this weird way your body cries with you, and yet it makes you feel miserable.

Last time I miscarried, I didn’t bleed as much, and I had very little pain. I know this may seem strange, but I hated that. I felt like my poor baby lost her life, so I should have to suffer some.

This time I bled much more and was in more pain. It was not as intense as it would be if I were further along, but was more intense than last time.

I can’t get over how empty I feel. There was precious life inside me, and now there is nothing.

I loved this baby so much! I was so excited for my sweet December baby who we have named Jonah.

I don’t know why God is not saving my babies. 2012 has been a hard year so far, but I look forward to what God is doing in our family. He has big things in store for us, and I know we will grow stronger because of this.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them greatly. I feel loved because I know my friends and family are heartbroken with me.

You will never know how much your words mean to me. Your texts. Your notes. Your love.

Last night was hard. I didn’t sleep much. I was a mom sandwich for some of the night! Which is exactly what I needed; both boys snuggled right on each side of me! But the remaining time, I thought of how two more children should be snuggled with us. I was sad at thoughts of Hope and Jonah. I was in pain and felt as though I was truly experiencing Jonah’s loss. It was hard.

So now what? I feel like God wants me to remember me and what He wants to do with ME! What do I NEED that maybe I am forgetting or putting off? Time for myself. Time to workout. Time to be alone. Time to read… WAIT… What?!?! <You don’t read!> Yup! I want to read! Time for chick flicks. Time to be healthy. Time to dream. Time for me. Time for me and God.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to get pregnant again. I desperately want that! I just want God’s plan for my life and I want to lead my best life possible. God wants to use ME, as me!

God, please use me! I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know the purpose in losing two babies. I don’t know where you are leading us, but I know you are with us every step of the way. I may be angry with you at times, but thank you for not leaving me.

Thank you for trusting me with the two precious boys I have. Thank you for the most amazing husband. He is strong for me when I cannot be. He keeps things going when I fall a part. He is such an amazing rock. Thank you for my family! I am so blessed.

I may be angry for what you have allowed to be taken, but I am thankful beyond words for what you have allowed me to have! Wow! What an awesome life I have, and an awesome life to come. God, continue to use me! Continue to use my family. Amen”

In my sadness and emptiness, I’m feeling strangely good right now. At peace. It’s odd. Maybe it’s just for a short time. I just feel like it’s ok. God has a plan and I look forward to that plan. My heart is broken yet I know everything is ok. Right now I will be still and wait.

Do you understand this feeling?