I hate gas!
No joke. This was what I said to my husband last night laying in bed.
You know the kind. The kind that rumbles in your tummy but not like usual. The kind that feels like a baby moving around in your belly. Kicking and rolling. Playing around.
This stupid gas. Always gives me a slight shimmer of hope that maybe I’m pregnant and I’ve just been bleeding every month for fun.
My heart longs for that feeling again! I ache to feel the movement of a baby inside me again. Although, I will admit, I’ve told God I would be ok to be one of those moms who “didn’t know I was pregnant” and I suddenly had a baby.
I must insert here… My heart aches hard for my friends who have this same longing but cannot get pregnant and have never been pregnant. I cannot fully imagine the longing and hurt they have. I am blessed to have experienced this, and I know I should just be grateful for my two precious boys, but it still hurts. Let’s just say it like it is… This sucks! For both of us.
Shortly after James and I got married, we decided we no longer agreed with the way many (most really) birth control methods worked, and we did not like the side effects I was having. We started natural family planning. We’ve always known we wanted a large family. Six. Or more 😉 if God so chooses. After Conner was born we kind of went back on natural family planning, always knowing we would be ecstatic any and every time we got pregnant. Planned or not. Bring on the babies God.
Elias was pretty well planned. Well of course except his arrival ;-)!
And then the miscarriages started.
My sweet Hope.
And then Shiloh.
And precious Grace.
God we give all our children to You! You know our hearts desires. May they line up with Your will.
It is hard to understand why. James and I want children; Your blessings! We try not to take this area in our own hands, while so many others cry in anger at being pregnant.
God continue to strengthen and renew us daily. Continue to give us the peace only You can. Thank You for being a big God who can take my anger. Who can handle my fears. Who can calm my storms. And thank You for Your promises. Thank You for all SIX of my children. And thank You for all future children we will be blessed with. May we continue to do Your work. And continue to spread Your Word. Use us in anyway You can. Even in our heartaches. Thank You God for loving us and taking care of us. We love You. Amen.