Who Are You Talking To?

Marriage! Wow… you can prepare for it, but do you ever really know until you are there?!?!

Every healthy marriage will have disagreements and arguments. What I’ve discovered over time is the importance in communication- with YOUR SPOUSE!

Some of the best advice I got early in my marriage came from sister, Sara! Someone told her to never talk bad about her husband, or discuss issues they are having, with her mother. This makes sense; my mom is on my side. Naturally if I am upset with my husband, and vent to her, she is likely to feel anger towards him too.

So, why does this matter?

I am in love with my husband and my mother is not. I am not saying she doesn’t like him, I am simply saying she doesn’t love him the same way I do. This is true of more than just my mom: it also includes my sister, my friends, co-workers, etc.

Haven’t we all been in that awkward situation when someone is being angry about things their spouse does? I often wonder, if they are telling ME this, are they telling the spouse?

I remember my first year of teaching: James and I weren’t married yet, but we were planning on it. I remember being so sad for some of the women at the lunch table. They would complain that their husbands don’t do this or don’t do that. One would say they would be divorced if it weren’t for their kids. How sad!

Between those memories, and Sara’s advice, I learned early on that if we were having problems, I should go to James and no one else.

Do we always talk immediately and work things out perfectly? NO WAY! Is he perfect, with no bad habits that drive me crazy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But do I immediately run to my mom, my sister, my friends? NO I DON’T!

We fight. We argue. We disagree. But WE TALK! WE do these things. NOT just ME! If I am talking to other people, I am not talking to him!

I am not perfect. There are times I am tempted to pick up the phone and “vent,” but how does this help my marriage? Instead, I take the time I need. Sometimes longer than I should. Sometimes we need to just “fight” it out. But at the end of the day, we are doing it together! And we know divorce is NOT an option!

Just a few weeks ago we had a fight about something (ridiculous I am sure), and I stopped to really listen to what my husband was saying.

I am guilty of hearing him, and thinking inside that he is right, BUT he cannot possibly be right, so I argue. Am I the only one?”

This time I stopped myself from justifying whatever it was and instead said, “You are right.” I knew I was guilty of what he was saying. It was such a special moment for us. That conversation spoke volumes to my husband! He thanked me several times later that night. It was a great conversation full of honesty. He could be honest with how he felt and I could be honest with myself and what needed to change.

Does it always go this way? I WISH! Is our marriage perfect now, and free from issues? NOPE! But learning to communicate and opening up in this way was wonderful.

Sometimes I need to change because HE asked, not just because I think I need to! Wow… just thought of that! See this is so for me!

Who do you talk to about your marriage? Your husband or someone else?

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4 thoughts on “Who Are You Talking To?

  1. I agree communication is key to a marriage functioning. I too have witnessed numerous occasions when people talk about their spouse negatively in public. On a phsycological level this could be sabotaging the marriage because often what someone says creates a reality for that person in his/her own head. What is said may or may not be true but it can create an unhealthy attitude towards the spouse. It is better to concentrate on the good things and forget the bad/annoying things (once they have been communicated with the spouse).

    One issue with asking a spouse to change is the spouse’s in ability to make the change. The desire to change to please the other spouse is most likely there in all marriages. However, sometimes the requested change is not psychologically possible and can cause undue stress on the person wanting to please the other spouse. Make sure any change you are requested to make is within your power to do. The stress from trying to change who you are as a person and human can show up in other areas of your marriage, physical being, mental health, and social life. That being said some change can be healthy and needed. It’s like Smoky the Bear says “Only you can prevent forest fires” so communicate with your spouse and know your limits because no one else does to him/her it’s just simple request.

  2. One thing I forgot in my previous post is that one can ask God to give you wisdom when communicating/arguing/disagreeing etc with one’s spouse. In my marriage, it has helped us many times resolve issues sometimes with outcomes that niether of us had imagined. Asking God for wisdom in a situation does not have to be full fledged prayer with eyes closed and head bowed. Just ask him in your mind before or while communicating with your spouse. Both you and your spouse do not have to do it together (e.g. you do not have to take a time out from the argument to pray). Your spouse may not even do it. It does not matter whether just you do it or both do it God hears it all the same. The Bible says God will give you wisdom if you ask for it.

    Going back to the subject of to whom one should talk to about the stuff that bothers you about a spose. I think

  3. One thing I forgot in my previous post is that one can ask God to give you wisdom when communicating/arguing/disagreeing etc with one’s spouse. In my marriage, it has helped us many times resolve issues sometimes with outcomes that niether of us had imagined. Asking God for wisdom in a situation does not have to be full fledged prayer with eyes closed and head bowed. Just ask him in your mind before or while communicating with your spouse. Both you and your spouse do not have to do it together (e.g. you do not have to take a time out from the argument to pray). Your spouse may not even do it. It does not matter whether just you do it or both do it God hears it all the same. The Bible says God will give you wisdom if you ask for it. One catch to this is that it only works for believers. God will not alllow himself to be used, so if one does not first have a relationship with him, the benefits of such a relationship are not available.

    Going back to the subject of to whom one should talk to about the stuff that bothers one about a spose. I think God and the spouse are the first places to start. If it is not resolved and it continues to be an issue between the two of you then perhaps a trusted friend or a counselor at a church.

  4. Pingback: When I Say “Nothing” | Persephone Magazine « Daily Ruminations

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