So what will we do?

I have come up with a few ideas already. For one, I talk about her and won’t stop. I know I am a much more vocal person than most, so not everyone has to be so open about their story, but it is still important to find your own ways to honor your baby in Heaven.

We have named her Hope! I imagine she was and is beautiful!!

Our sweet friends Krystle and Patrick have given us the gift of a Hope plant! The plant hasn’t arrived yet but I look forward to taking care of this plant daily as I would have taken care of our sweet Hope. I wait patiently for the arrival as I would have waited while carrying sweet Hope through the pregnancy.

I also found a site called Peace of Mind that was started by a couple after the loss of one of their precious babies. She makes jewelry and sells them on Etsy. They are beautiful and such a precious way for me to carry Hope with me everywhere. I am getting a necklace with her sweet name on it. I know that everyday as I wear that necklace I will be reminded of my sweet third child! Also, all of her sales are going towards them adopting another child!! What an amazing way for me to celebrate Hope’s very short-lived life.

We have also decided to have a very small ceremony to remember her and celebrate her. I know this may seem silly to a lot of people, which is why we are doing it so small and not inviting hardly anybody (I don’t want anyone to feel weird or that it is silly I am doing it). I have a few ideas on what I want to do, but had a hard time finding stuff online. I did find this one miscarriage support site with some suggestions. I am thinking a letter, maybe balloons, scripture readings and prayer of course. I look forward to this ceremony and time to put to rest my sweet girl.

Mother’s of miscarried babies: no matter how recent or how long ago it was, no matter how far along in to the pregnancy you were, do what you need and want to do to honor that baby. Grieve and hurt. Rejoice for that life. Name your baby. Do what you know you want to do, but do not let anyone tell you that baby wasn’t yours or wasn’t a baby yet. No one can take that little one from you, so cherish that gift you were given. No matter how short-lived it was, it was still a gift. And I thank God for that gift. Even in my anger.

As I told a friend, I feel like I am holding it together and falling apart all at the same time.

I love you sweet Hope! Mommy can’t wait to hold you one day.

What ways did you celebrate your baby? What do you do to remember your baby?

So to answer some of the questions.

I will say I have three children. Two here and one in Heaven. She counts! Doesn’t always need an explanation, but still to be known. And to the first time mom who has miscarried, you are a mom! Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

There is no set time to stop grieving. I will always grieve for this baby, but I know with time I will heal and not grieve in the same way. I will rejoice for this life and always be sad at what would have been, but I know God is with me. He is still by my side in my anger at him, at my distrust in Him. He knows what I feel so there is no use in hiding it from Him. Instead I cry and yell at Him. He’s a BIG God who can take it.

I believe I will meet her some day. I have no idea what she will look like or how she will appear to me, but we have no idea what any of us will look like. What I do know is that she was MINE and that I will know her the minute I see her! My love will never end for her.

God does not will everything to happen. He instead allows things to happen to us. He heard us cry for our baby. I may never understand why He didn’t intervene, but many have felt this exact same way when a loved one is ill and dying. We don’t have all the answers. That doesn’t mean there was a “reason” or that it was His Will, it just means it is.

I don’t know why it didn’t hurt more physically, but my heart aches for this baby, so instead I choose to remember and honor her.

Although it may be sad to be reminded, I need and want to be reminded of her daily! She is now a part of this family and I want her to be there everyday.

Read Miscarriage: Hanging on to Hope

February 7, 2012… the day my sweet Hope went to be with our Lord and Savior.

I was 6 weeks and a day.

Unfortunately, many people would not define this as a baby yet. How sad! To them, only a fetus. “Oh good, at least your weren’t very far along.” “At least you didn’t “plan” for this baby.” “At least you already have two children.” “Don’t worry, you can try again soon.”

These are some sayings I’ve heard, or read that others have heard in reaction to hearing of their news. I even wrote a post about What I Should Say in response to people going through difficult times such as these.

It breaks my heart that miscarriages seem so common that people do not regard them as a true death in the family. Even some women who have experienced the loss make light of it or sigh with relief, while others cry alone in pain thinking they are silly since “I wasn’t that far along.”

I “held” that baby! To me, I was now a mom to three! From the moment I had the thought I was pregnant, to the positive test confirming, I imagined that baby in our life. Doesn’t that make it real? Was that not a baby? If you are pro-life, then you should be yelling “yes!!”  So if it was a baby and a life, then the loss is a death. We make a big deal to riot anti-abortion because that fetus is a baby and a life, but yet we don’t mourn and truly grieve with the family that suffers a miscarriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are many out there who understand this is a painful time, but do we treat it as a true death? So what does that even mean? I have no idea. I have been struggling with this thought and many others.

What do I say when I talk about how many kids I have? Can I count this baby? If I don’t, isn’t that the same as acting like it didn’t even happen? So then how do I say it without having to explain everything, every time?

How long is ok to grieve? Will I ever really stop grieving? What if I do “stop” grieving? Does that mean I forgot about this dear sweet baby?

What can I do to remember this baby? To honor this life? To celebrate the gift of this baby, even if it was for such a short time?

Are my friends and family grieving for this baby too? Does it hurt them, too, knowing that this baby would have been a part of their lives too?

Will I see my baby again? What will she (we just felt like this baby was a girl… and really, why argue with us?) look like when we meet her in Heaven?

We prayed for this baby and that God would save her life. Why didn’t You save her, God? Why even allow me to get pregnant if this was going to happen? Did you not see us cry out? Did we do something to deserve this? We would have loved this baby and cared for her so much.

Why didn’t it hurt more? My poor baby lost her life and I didn’t hurt or bleed enough.

Just for the record… I am not looking for you to comment on this blog with answers. I am simply expressing my heart and telling you my thoughts over the last couple of weeks.

Some of these questions do have answers, while others are simply a part of the grieving process. We all have some of these exact same questions when we lose anyone in our life, or when we are going through a hard time. And that is OK!!! We all need to grieve. We all go through the steps of grieving… so don’t judge me for doubting, being angry, frustrated, sad, for not trusting.

Read Miscarriage: Looking for Answers… (again, I am not looking for your to answer my questions. Thank you.)

I know not everyone feels this level of excitement if they think they are late, but to me it is pure joy! For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a large family. From the moment James and I started talking about kids, we agreed, the more the merrier! We welcome all of God’s blessings to our family.

Having said that, my love for the baby that is to come, grows stronger and stronger each day I’m late. And a positive pregnancy test? Well that just confirms it!

I’m pregnant!!! Will this one be a girl… like everyone else wants ? What will we name this baby if it’s a boy? What will the pregnancy entail? Will I be put on bed rest because of my preterm baby? Will I make it full term and have a successful natural VBAC? What if I miscarry????

I hate that the thought even entered my mind, but I worried. I knew so many women who had miscarried after two or three children, and I feared that I was “due.”

Isn’t that terrible???!!! The thought of this kind of loss was unimaginable to me, and it is horrible that I assumed I would face it at some point.

What was it like and why does it happen? I never understood the loss of a child and how anyone could handle it.

Since January 20, 2012, our family has faced one trail after another. I won’t go into much detail, but I had just suffered through a terrible case of mastitis, and was barely on the road to recovery, when our dear friends and pastors announced their departure from our church (which we fully support and understand), followed by a bit of a nasty church business meeting.

To say the positive pregnancy test the next morning, January 30th, was a bright light in a dark time, is an understatement. Throughout that week, as other dark points tried to loom about, I hung on my thoughts and prayers for our sweet baby to come! I just knew this was God’s gift in a difficult time.

That Friday, my husband was in a car accident and we were now down to one vehicle. Again, I sighed relief because we were having another baby and our life is amazing!

I was over a week late before we ever got a positive test, which we attributed to me being sick, but I still dreamt of the “what if I am pregnant?” Once the test showed PREGNANT, I cried! How exciting!!!! I’ve never been one to wait too long to announce that I am pregnant. For one, I cannot keep it a secret because I am just too excited, and for two, if something were to happen, I want my friends and family to pray for and with me.

Elias’ first birthday party was coming up, so this was the perfect time to announce it to our families and friends, and then church the next morning.

Read Miscarriage: A Death in the Family

• I love you.
• I am praying with/for you.
• I have no idea what you are going through.
• I understand and am mourning (or praying, depending on the situation) with you. (only if you have been through the same situation, not if you just know someone who has gone through it)
• I am bringing you dinner or I am going to watch the kids for you or I am coming over to help you clean, what day/night works best for you? 

While there may be more sayings that are OK to say to different people, I believe these are the basic sayings. You will never have to worry about how you might make them feel during their difficult time with these options.

Through these situations, God has opened my eyes and spoken to me about how to react when others are going through hard times. Comments were made to me, I believe mostly out of love, that did not sit well with me. God reminded me that most of those people cared deeply for me, and were only saying what they thought would help.

I, too, have been guilty of saying these very things, which is why I formed a list of things not to say, as a reminder. *If you have said any of these things to me, please do not take it as a personal attack at you. It is not written to anyone in particular, just a general rule of thumb.

• I understand what you are going through… from someone who has never been directly in your situation.
• Just trust God is with you and knows what He is doing… or other Christian sayings. While these may be true, it is OK to grieve, deny, be angry, etc. As a Christian, we know these things, to be reminded of them causes guilt in our feelings and the way in which we are grieving.
• It was God’s will… to imply every act is God’s Will means we have no free will and that He has a hand in all things done. Some things He just allows, rather than prevents, from happening.
• There is a reason for everything… really?!? So I am grieving over the death of my baby; do I really need to hear there is a reason my baby had to die???
• Let me know if you need anything… It is a safe bet that someone going through any type of grieving or drastic life change will need help, and they will probably not tell you what they need.

This is for me too! Looking back, I know I have not done everything I could for people in need. I pray I will stop and think before I speak and that I will reach out to say and do what I can to make their lives better.

While going through my grieving process, I came across a blog that was started just because of “Things People Said After My Miscarriage.” Can you believe that?!? How sad that our society can say such hurtful, insensitive comments after such a traumatic event. I laughed and cried as I read through her posts.

When writing this post I also referred to this blog, with lots of helpful advice on what to say and not.

I was reading another blog post, thanks to Krystle, of a woman who was talking about her feelings of anger shortly after her husband passed away. I cannot imagine what she was, and is going through as a single mom now, but this quote stuck out to me! I felt this way when Elias was in the NICU, and I feel it now.

“I wish everyone got the memo. I wish people knew so I wouldn’t have to explain it. At the same time, I’m so relieved to walk into a place where no one knows my situation and gives me that look. I hate that look. I don’t want anyone to treat me differently, and yet I do. Does that make any sense? No pity, just sensitivity.”

Wow! That quote sums it up for me!

Ok, so part of me needed to vent, but in reality, this is true. Our words are powerful. We really need to watch what we say to people. Sometimes it’s best to say very little, but to say something, so they know you care. Then? Listen.

What things do you like to hear? What do you hate hearing?

Aside from seeking out advice from educated friends, I also went to my trusty web browser to google for natural remedies*. Of the things I found, here is what I did to take care of my mastitis.

• Rest: Fortunately, my husband was able to come home early that Friday night, and then we had all day Saturday and Sunday. What a relief! I was able to sleep a lot and lay around and do nothing. I felt horrible, so I doubt I would have done a good job at anything I did anyways. I also called on some amazing people to help me once James went back to work. My mom, friend Krystle, and dad’s wife Laurie all came over to help with the boys and the house. I am blessed by their help and it was huge in helping me heal.

• Nurse: I kept nursing despite how painful it was. And made sure to do it extra on the infected side. I even tried different, weird positions with him so he could pull the milk out. With the help of my husband that Sunday morning, we put him in a different position than we normally do. It was AWFUL; the most pain I have ever been in while nursing, but once he was done I felt such relief. It almost felt good.

• Pumping: After I would nurse, or on occasion when he refused to nurse on that side, I would pump to pull the milk out.

• Garlic: A nurse friend of mine, recommended cutting up garlic cloves in to small pieces and swallowing. It was not fun, but not as bad as you may think. Garlic is a natural anti-biotic! I now keep this on hand and take the pills daily.

• Echinacea: I started taking these pills because they are an immune booster, and take them daily now, too.  After another week, I will stop taking it for a while because I’ve heard Echinacea should be taken in cycles; once your system is used to it, it won’t help much, so you have to take a break from it for a while.

• Hot Shower: I took very hot showers and would massage the infected breast to get the milk out and unplug the ducts.

• Heating Pad: My husband bought me a heating pad to place on the breast right before I was going to nurse. This helps with getting the milk to flow.

• Cold Cabbage Leaves: Cabbage leaves are an anti-inflammatory. The cold helps bring the swelling down.

• No Bra, Just a T-Shirt: Nothing else to say . I didn’t leave the house, just laid around braless.

• Drinking Lots of Water

I was also reminded not to give up, and encouraged that it will take 7-10 days. During this time, we watched my temperature and made sure I was never running a fever. If the symptoms continued past this time then I knew I should get an antibiotic.

*Websites I referenced:

• http://www.naturalremedies.org/mastitis/
• http://themarathonmom.com/how-i-nearly-lost-my-life-part-1.htm
• http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2010/10/prevention-and-treatment-of-mastitis-natural-alternatives-to-taking-antibiotics.html
• http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/natural-cures-for-mastitis/

Have you had mastitis? What natural things did you do to cure your mastitis?

Such a sweet day to remind us to show our love to one another. We should be doing this daily; showing Christ’s love to everyone, everywhere we go, but just in case we need a reminder… Valentine’s Day!

The first few years James and I were together, we would switch every other year who would plan the fun-filled evening. This made things fun and allowed us each the chance to surprise one another.

Since having children things have changed some.

Last year, we had a weekend planned. Dad and Laurie were going to watch Conner over night for the first time. How exciting! Then Elias decided to surprise us and arrived 14 1/2 weeks early (I meant to write a post on his birthday, but illness and grief have taken over some, so here is a brief blog post Krystle wrote). With his arrival, they still took Conner, but it was not the romantic weekend we had planned. Instead we were in the hospital and trying to come to terms with our new normal, for however long that was going to last.

Move forward a year. I decided not to return to teaching this year so I could stay home with my boys. This has drastically changed our income and therefore changed our mindset on how to celebrate certain occasions, such as Valentine’s Day.

We enjoy finding fun ways to celebrate occasions together as a family! Together we have felt a conviction about making plans without the kids, so now we enjoy being together, rather than dread that we aren’t alone. And let’s face it, as the family grows, it will be much harder to find time away alone, so instead we embrace life as a family!

Ok, so over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been ill with mastitis, found out I was pregnant, went on a brief bed rest, miscarried by dear baby (I will post more later), and Elias came down with strep. I have not been myself, as to be expected.

Cleaning hasn’t happened, except when my mom, and my dad’s wife came over and helped around the house and to take care of me and the boys. Most days I have lived on the couch, under my blanket, surrounded by everything I could need so I didn’t have to move, in only pajama pants and t-shirts.

So, I was not mom of the year this Valentine’s Day. I didn’t plan anything great. Today was one of the first days in a long time that I felt like cleaning or doing anything around the house, but Elias still wanted a lot of attention. He is starting to do better, so I can at least put him down for little bits of time.

This afternoon I decided I needed to do something, even if small and simple, to show my husband I love him and I can and will pull it together.

So I decided to get dressed! Like in clothes! How about a cute skirt?!? I know we aren’t going out, but I wanted to look cute for him. Can’t wear a skirt with hairy legs. Oh don’t pretend to be grossed out! I know I am not the only one who puts this off when I’m sick or down, or it’s winter, or I just don’t want to shave, or…. you get the idea. So I needed to shower and shave. Screaming baby sitting outside the door and all, I went for it. I was going to wear a skirt!

I am going to make the bed! I used to do this daily, as soon as I got up, but I haven’t cared. It’s simple, but I am going to do it.

What about the laundry? Laurie, my dad’s wife, put most of it away yesterday (thank you so much for that and everything!), but there were still a few things to hang. I could do that!

The dishes are clean? OK. I can put those away. Opened it up to find that most of it was put away, oh well… I’ll finish!

TV tray by the couch is full of tissues from the boys runny noses. Cleaned that off and put it away so it will stop gathering more stuff.

SUPERMAN tattoos! I forgot I had these. I need one and so does Conner! James will love this!

Ok, so maybe most of that was more for me than him. I felt much better, even though it was small steps, in cleaning the house for my husband. Did he notice? Not really, but I feel better and I enjoy taking care of him. OH, he DID notice the tattoos and the sweet card I had for him (bought it a few years ago and hid it, and kept forgetting about it lol).

What did he do? Instead of going out just the two of us for a fancy steak dinner, my husband surprised us with steaks, that were on sale, and prepared them for us as a family! Oh and of course a chocolate cake that Conner is sooo excited to enjoy!

We are enjoying our very simple, and sweet Valentine’s Day. Together. As a family.

What simple things do you do to celebrate special occasions as a family?

So first, what is mastitis? An infection of the breast tissue that results in breast pain, swelling, warmth and redness of the breast.

I read that if a breastfeeding woman thinks she has the flu, she probably has mastitis. And, just my luck, only about 10% of breastfeeding women get it and usually within the first 3 months after the baby is born. But it’s no secret, I tend to develop some of the rare things that come along with pregnancy/breastfeeding. So fun.

At this point, my breast was VERY sore and hurt a lot, but was not substantially larger than the other. YET!

Throughout the weekend and the next 10 days, my body ached, I had chills, I never developed a fever (the main reason I never felt OVERLY concerned… fever can be a sign that it is getting worse, not better), and my right breast swelled up to about twice the size of the left one.

My right breast felt “hard” and was dark, dark red in places. It was so sore to the touch. I would cringe every time Elias hit it, even just barely. I couldn’t move. I could barely take care of my self, much less my children.

How do you get mastitis? You can get mastitis in several ways: not getting all the milk out, skipping feedings, blocked duct, infection through cracked nipples, stress, fatigue, anemia, weakened immunity, and more which you can read here.

While I may not know my direct cause, because frankly all moms have some of those symptoms and often, nevertheless, I got it, so it must be treated!

From what I could tell, it was treatable without antibiotics, although if not treated could get worse.

Just a word of advice:

Doctors DO NOT know everything. I am NOT advising to not contact a doctor, but simply suggesting you use your own common sense as well.”

Many things can be treated naturally, just as people used to do long before many of the drugs were developed. While it is amazing what doctors are able to do these days, we must remember some of these things come at a “cost” to our body.

My first instinct, with both myself and my family, is to treat naturally if possible. This also saves on doctor bills. We do not run to the doctor every time something comes up, but rather seek out natural remedies to treat our symptoms.

And I must add, I believe many of our decisions (more to be discussed later… much more research to put into that blog ) are to be attributed to why both my children have been very healthy and rarely sick*!

*I am not referring to children who unfortunately are diagnosed with cancer or born with illnesses. 

Part 3

Friday, January 20, 2012… Conner had been bit by ants all over his feet the day before, and Elias had been running a temperature. I got up with two screaming children, who needed me to carry them.

I immediately noticed my back was hurting terribly. I took Advil to relieve some of the pain so I could survive the day with my poor, ill children. As the day carried on, I noticed I was feeling worse. My whole body was aching terribly and I began to get chills.

I had sent my husband a couple of texts by this point about the pain I was in. By the afternoon, I was bawling from my pain. The pain was so unbearable and I could no longer care for myself or my children, so I requested James come home.

As soon as he walked in the door I immediately went to bed. Curled up under the bedspreads I laid there from about 1:45 until 8:30 that night. Within that time, I woke up only to nurse, use the restroom, and vomit. Once I did finally get out of bed, it was only to go snuggle on the couch in living room to try to eat something.

By this point, we assumed the flu. James gave me medicine to try to help, but I felt very little relief. I went back to bed.

That night was horrible. Elias was sleeping next to me so I didn’t have to get up to feed him, but every time he touched me I was in terrible pain. My sweet husband finally got up with him and went to the living room to sleep the remainder of the night so I could rest more.

By the next morning I told him this did not seem like the flu. I had no major symptoms of the flu, other than my body aching terribly and chills. I also realized that my right breast was extremely sensitive to touch, yet the left side was just fine.

I began to research. I am pretty good at self diagnosing, and I refused for my husband to take me to the ER just to find out something silly like cold or flu. Also, if I was going to the ER it was going to be after I had diagnosed the problem .

If you know me, you aren’t surprised by this stubbornness at all.

I called my husband in the room.

Read this. Doesn’t that make sense???”

Mastitis! I’ve heard of this, but had little knowledge as to what it would mean for me and how to treat it.

As I laid in bed in terrible pain, (although I did feel a LITTLE better once I knew what the problem was) I went to the internet for research. I called my mother-in-law, a former midwife. I called my midwife with Conner, Betty Winford from Special Beginnings. All of which provided different perspectives and lots of great advice! A wonderful friend of ours, who also happens to be a nurse, gave me some wonderful, natural advice throughout the weekend as well.

Part 2

Side note… I’ve been recovering from mastitis still… harder than I thought. I do apologize for not being in the right state of mind to write my blog. Between being ill, and very busy with church business, I have been behind on EVERYTHING! So don’t think I am only neglecting you; unfortunately, it has carried over on to my poor family. Thank you for your continued prayers.

What is the hardest part of the church? That it is made up of humans

I’m not trying to be mean… just honest! We all make mistakes. We all have choices and make decisions, but at the end of the day, we are responsible to God for how we handle ourselves.

I try  to ask myself regularly, am I doing this/saying this to uplift and encourage, or am I doing this/saying this to tear down.  It is no secret that I once struggled heavily with anger issues. God has pulled me out of that bondage, and reminds me often, to keep my anger in check.

This means thinking before I speak and choosing my words wisely. It also means wise decisions in choosing who I will allow to “get into my mind.”

I have to ask God, am I talking with this person to find peace and unity within my church, or to plan to bring my church down? It is so easy to get caught up in meetings and groups, to get caught up in conversations, to allow my thoughts to lead me to anger and blame. It is easy as a human to put myself in a place where I focus on the negative or focus on the faults of others, but I have to ask myself, “what good can come from this?” How am I contributing to the unity of my church by doing these things.

The Church is made up of humans. We are all going to make mistakes. It is important to keep each other accountable and in check for these things! The same is true for the Body, not just the Head! When I am approached or want to approach others, I try to remember, how will this help the Church? How will this represent God best?

I also ask myself, what do I know to be TRUE and what is simply told to me through the grapevine. Gossip is such a horrid thing, and I would certainly be lying if I ever claimed I have never been a part of it, but when I step back and look at the aftermath, I live with my actions.

I write this blog today out of complete LOVE! I truly LOVE the Church! I truly LOVE MY church! I want to bring good things forward. In everything I say and do, I make sure to ask and seek out the truth. I ask God to guide me to what is important. To where my focus should be. Do I want to dwell in anger and resentment? Do I want to spread gossip and possible lies? Am I looking to start something that would be better not started? Am I lifting up the Church? Am I standing strong through the hard times? Am I doing MY part to bring peace and unity, where we all can work together?

God, my cry to you: “You hear me! Your see my tears. You see the anger. You know the hurt and heartache. It’s nothing new to you. You are not surprised. Help me to find the common ground. Help me to do my part in creating peace.

“Guide me in my decisions, so that as new people come to the church (especially unbelievers!!!), they will see your love through me and my church! Help me to know what conversations to stay out of and away from. Help me to only listen to those who are looking to move forward rather than dwelling on the past. Help me to listen to those who want to learn from the past as we look forward. Keep me and my actions in check!

Also, remind me to forgive. Help me to look at people through your eyes, in your love. That all people are human and we all make mistakes. Thank you Lord for not leaving me when I failed you. When I made terrible choices. Remind me to offer that same love and forgiveness to others. Amen!”